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access_time September 2, 2014 at 10:54 PM in Features by Maggie Wiland

I’m Not Smarter Than A 5th Grader

So, about a year ago, I bought Jeopardy for my DS.

I’d seen it available for the Wii and the 360 on the shelf for some time, and thought it’d be a very good, relaxing kind of game. Something mentally stimulating to balance out all that murder stabby stabby kill I play. Not that I don’t like murder stabby stabby kill, but once in a while, a girl needs a change. So I finally broke down and bought the DS version because, frankly, it was 4 dollars as opposed to a 17 dollar console one and I’m a broke ass bitch. It only took me about 15 minutes or so, but I quickly realized why I’d stayed away from games like that and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader for a reason.

Because I’m not.

Even on the simplest difficulty, in which questions SHOULD be “What do cats eat?”, I failed. Repeatedly. And then I felt bad about myself. I’m not saying I’m stupid. My IQ is actually fairly high, but here’s the thing; my IQ is fairly high about shit that doesn’t matter. I cultured myself, and I taught myself a bunch of useless factoids and nothing actually informative. The sad thing is, most of the stuff in these games can come from simply having had a high school education. Hell, one only needs you to have a 6th grade education. I graduated high school. I did it. I have the diploma. It’s in a box in my closet with all my other useless papers like my birth certificate and my social security card and my bad sexy fan artwork of two gaming consoles about to get it on which I entitled “Sega Creamcast”.

PpMocjSI think that’s why I stick to games like murder stabby stabby kill, and it’s highly
acclaimed sequel, murder stabby stabby kill 2: tokyo underground. Because they don’t make me feel bad about myself. Gaming is supposed to be an escapist sort of activity. Something where you don’t have to think about the skills you lack in life, and while I have to admit I rarely have conversations about the topics used in Jeopardy (I mean, when the hell did I last discuss the large hadron collider with someone? outside of that kindergarten class I mean. he may be a kindergartner but fuckin’ billy is a dick, man) it still makes me feel bad that I don’t know anything about them. At least murder stabby stabby kill and other games like it (such as “shooty shooty rather looty” and my personal favorite “why the hell do all my game titles rhyme?”) only make sure I know how to press buttons to stab people, and even then, real knowledge of stabbing isn’t required.

I wish they’d told me that before that whole thing with Billy, but ya know, whatever I guess. Shit happens.

My point is, I don’t play games to feel bad about myself. I now don’t want to play Jeopardy. It sits on my shelf and hasn’t been touched in probably 6 months. I get an urge to play it, I think, “Maybe, maybe THIS TIME I can finally be good at this and I can feel good about myself” but then Alex’s stupid pixaly face comes out and smiles and goes “NU-UH, MADAM”. And what’s worse is I love puzzle solving games! I like stuff like that! That just means ok, I’m just dumb about GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Great.

Moral of this post? I don’t even know.

I hate Jeopardy.

And I hate myself because Jeopardy makes me feel stupid.

I’m gonna go back to stabbing digital terrorists now.

EDIT: You have no idea how hard it was to resist the temptation to change this title to Sega Creamcast. That might be my joke of the month. ….i need friends.

Photo 530Maggie Wiland is a 25 y/o transgirl. She wanted to do something productive for a living, but has now been resigned to bitching about video games after realizing she is ultimately talentless in every other aspect of her life. She’s also been said to make a mean casserole. She also writes poetry on tumblr.


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