A Male Gamer’s Guide For Surviving Valentine’s Day
Heart-shaped balloons, heart-shaped candles, heart-shaped candies and heart-shaped… well, everything. If this is the case, then it can only mean one thing – Valentine’s Day. The most terrifying and hated day in man’s history. The day when, as a representative of the alpha gender, you’re supposed to endure hours of pure torture. If you’re in a relationship then that means cuddling and kissing and acting all sissy while listening to cheesy lines in cheesy places with cheesy music, pretending you’re loving it. And of course not to mention the drama of finding and buying a nice gift for the lucky lady. If you’re single then it’s even worse, you have to sit on your butt all day and watch happy couples posting their corny pictures on Facebook and listening to your friends how lucky they are to have someone in their lives, all this while you’re drowning in self-dread and thinking if you’ll ever find anyone to be intimate with apart from a saggy old sock.
But fear not, my hairy-chested friends! There is a way to conquer this horrifying day and survive the pseudo-romantic atmosphere that’s surrounding you and haunting you in your sleep, all this while restoring or keeping your manhood intact. The answer is, of course, gaming! But it’s not as easy as you think. You must choose your weapons wisely so this is where I come in. I will present you three kinds of games that will make you feel like the badass you are and that will squash every heart-shaped thing under their boots. Word of caution: at the end of this article you may end up with a mighty beard.
Gory violent action-packed mayhem.
Nothing says “up yours, love!” like some good old-fashioned violence. It’s been scientifically proven that chaotic fast-paced trigger-happy shooters increase the testosterone level in the human body, leading to epic beards and voice thickening that will make Vin Diesel sound like a baby. Whether it’s obliterating giant scorpions while wielding a mighty sledgehammer in Serious Sam, raining big-ass rockets on people’s heads in Unreal Tournament or killing off mutant children in Painkiller, you can almost feel the manliness stacking up! Hell, you don’t even need to be good at it, just get into Bulletstorm, turn that dialogue volume to max and you’re set! And who needs holding hands when you’ve got a freaking double-barrel shotgun?! That’s Clint Eastwood-level and you’ve never seen Clint Eastwood offering a box of chocolates. He’d probably just throw it in the air and shoot every single piece of chocolate with his .44 Magnum.
What’s the opposite of love if not horror? Ok, maybe it’s hate, but for the sake of this argument, let’s say it’s horror. Living dead. Ghosts. Vampires. Flesh-eating abominations. Whether it’s rushing through a zombie horde or carefully sneaking through dark hallways, nothing makes your heart pump faster than running for your life with no weapons to vaporize whatever’s chasing you. I’m talking about games like Outlast or Amnesia, games that make your skin crawl and make you sweat fear through all your pores. Or maybe you’d like an adrenaline rush, not knowing where to shoot first in Dead Space or Resident Evil, testing the limits of your super-reflexes under total pressure. Cover yourself with all that fear, let it really sink in, feel it trembling in every single one of your cells. This kind of games are made for men, real men. And real men don’t have time for romantic dinners and Woody Allen movies. They’re too busy facing their fears and phobias. Cuddling is for wussies!
Sports are man’s best friend.
Time to bring in the heavy artillery. Sports games are so insanely manly, that you better not let your girlfriend/spouse (if you have one) find out about them. This is the “push-the-red-button situation”. This is the real deal. It is the ultimate weapon against everything that’s pink, fluffy or resembles love in any way. FIFA, NHL, Madden, NBA, UFC, you name it! It will make Valentine’s Day vanish into thin air. There’s a monster inside each man and it stirs every time he sees a ball. The best part of playing sports games is that you can invite other ferocious alpha males to take part. The moment you pick up that controller, all emotions are substituted by competitive rage. There’s no love, there’s no friendship, there’s only sweat and concentration. Everything around you just seems soft focus. So if violence and fear are not an option, just call some of your mates over a match of FIFA. Sooner than you think you’ll have both mixed together.
So there you have it. There’s not much time left until v-day so you better start stocking up on nachos, beer, energy drinks – whatever gets you going. Take a few days off, disconnect your phone, tell your family you’re gone somewhere far away and you’re set. It will all be over soon.