It’s Monday again, which means that it’s time to start work for the week. Before you get too down about all the meetings you’ll have to stay awake through and your boss’ ‘motivational’ speeches just think, it could always be worse. Don’t believe us? Then read on and find some of the worst jobs in games.
5. Guard (Skyrim)
Life can be pretty dangerous for the guards of Skyrim. Not only do they have to contend with dragons, vampires, bandits and a Dragonborn who has a habit of pickpocketing, they also seem to have a high accident rate involving arrows and knees. This may explain their lack of effectiveness in actually defending their cities, though they always seem limber enough to chase us when we inadvertently steal their sweet rolls.
4. Gardener/Janitor/Handyman (Hitman series)
Pity the poor workers in the Hitman games. Not only do they have to work long hours for minimum wage, but when Agent 47 actually reaches their location but they’re soon brutally murdered and hidden in a cupboard. He may only need the outfit of one of them but you’re unlikely to see many workers left at the end of a level.
3. Koopa Troopa (Mario series)
Just think, you’re in an army of turtles. Your leader, a giant turtle, has just kidnapped a princess. The only enemy against you is an Italian plumber whose attack is to jump. You’d feel pretty confident after all this. Unfortunately the Mario-Bowser wars that followed were to cost more Koopa Troopas their lives than an entire series of Call of Duty.
2. Goon (Bulletstorm/Darkness II)
We could have gone for any standard enemy from any standard FPS here with their lack of tactical awareness or understanding of cover and their tendency to stand next to explosive barrels. But Bulletstorm and The Darkness II really would be the worst locations for a soldier due to the manner of ways you would be killed. Bulletstorm’s ‘Nut Cracker’, a sniper bullet controlled to hit in the goon’s *ahem* unmentionables, may seem bad enough but wait until you see The Darkness’ ‘Assescution’. Trust us, if you don’t know what that is then don’t look it up.
1. The Merchant (Resident Evil 4)
Bear with us on this one. The Merchant may well have an impressive amount of wares to sell but it seems business is not going well. He has to travel to an isolated village infested with Las Plagas just to find a buyer. Then, to make enough money to live, he has to sell of his collection of weapons to a man whose co-ordination is so poor that he can’t move and shoot at the same time. It really is tough out there in the world.