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access_time December 3, 2013 at 7:33 PM in Features by Maggie Wiland

The Console Wars Is Gay Marriage

Earlier, a friend linked me to this article.

Having grown up in an era when gaming consoles were-unbelievably I know-used to PLAY GAMES and not movies or surf the internet, I’ve never been one for the console wars idea. In fact, I have owned everything to this point except a 3DS, a PS3 and a WiiU, simply because I am poor as dicks, not because I’m against certain companies for no reason other than to be with one side of the internet to seem cool. Because let’s face it, I’m not cool either way, so I may as well not pretend to be. Anyway, it was an interesting read to see a guy who even admits he’s a fanboy come out and explain how he definitely feels the console he desires and prefers ISN’T the best one on the market right now, simply because gamers are not all that open minded anymore. It was kind of refreshing to see some logical actual reasons from someone about why they actually dislike their console of choice and think it’s competitor is the better one at the moment, even though at the end he does admit he hopes Microsoft and the Xbox One will come out on top in the long run. He goes through the problems with cloud, the problems with loading times and the problems with graphics (all of which are not important to me, but whatever) and in the end, he admits that the PS4 is in fact the console you should buy right now simply because it is at the moment the clear winner. Impressive. Nothing hurtful or crude, simply just a man stating his honest unbiased opinion-even as an admittedly open fanboy-about the better console. I actually felt that for once, maybe this would make a difference. Maybe people would see the console wars as the enormous joke that they are, and see that there’s benefits to owning both consoles and that neither one is superior all the way all the time. I thought maybe…just MAYBE…we’d have some peace.

And then I stupidly read the comments section, which consisted of this piece of delightful text from someone.

Picture 2

Let’s break this thing down via greentext, shall we?

>guy who openly admits he’s an xbox fanboy writes article stating ps4 is the better console right now

>guy then goes on to praise the ps4 in detail in how it is the better console right now

>guy gets called xbox fanboy by random idiot user who clearly didn’t read anything

That sounds about accurate. But I want to go deeper. I want to break down this guys argument piece by piece. Join me, shall you?

“A perfect example of an Xbox fan boy in clear denial”

Even though the guy in the article states the reasons the One sucks right now compared to the PS4, and praises it.

“so why you bitch, moan and cry that your Xbox One is not good as you want to be right now”

Terrible grammar aside, once again he’s attacking a man who OPENLY STATES the Xbox One-despite his “i am saying it myself first” fanboyism-that the Xbox One is a worse console, and yet he’s getting attacked for whining it ISN’T?

“Xbox don’t have any compelling titles”

Well you clearly were appointed to speak for every single person who owns this console, right? I mean, god forbid we all want different things, and aren’t all interested in the same title. Who are YOU to say what looks compelling (the word should be “appealing” first off, and it should be “Xbox DOESN’T” so get back in the god damned classroom) to someone since everyone is different? What appeals to you doesn’t appeal to everyone, asshole. And then it hit me, and yes I’m really going to make this leap here. The console wars are the video game version of gay marriage. Now, while I don’t think gay marriage is even a real thing (amazing, as I’m a lesbian) because I think marriage itself is two people despite their sexuality or gender coming together to become one couple and therefore the idea of “gay” or “straight” marriage doesn’t make any sense because marriage IS marriage, they are INCREDIBLY similar. When you break it down, let’s say you live in Alaska, and I live in Chicago, ok? I am a married lesbian and I buy an Xbox One. You then read about what I did, and send me an incredibly detailed e-mail explaining why I am going to hell for my sexuality and I’m an idiot for owning this console. We’re all allowed to have opinions, sure. Freedom of speech. HOWEVER…how does my sexuality/console ownership DIRECTLY. AFFECT. YOUR. LIFE.

Explain it to me, please.

Because-and don’t come in saying “well if you buy an xbox you’re not supporting MY system!” because that’s a tired ass argument that stands no real ground when you break it down through statistics, as one single sale (just like one single marriage) doesn’t change a fucking thing-the way I see it, the console wars is the internet version of “these people are homosexual, and I hate them because I think differently”. Take away all the technical jargon, ok, take away all the “compelling” technological reasons why one console is better than another (because some of those are legitimate, for sure), it really does boil down to “I hate what you think, and you are stupid for thinking it because you aren’t me.” That’s it. My logging onto my Xbox One console from Chicago isn’t going to affect your life in Alaska, ESPECIALLY if you don’t even know me personally. You will still get up, day after day, and go about your business and your life will not change ONE BIT. So tell me…how does it affect you? Protip: It doesn’t. I am sick and tired of hearing about what consoles are better or what game companies are better. As much as it’s about to sound like I’m advocating for world peace, why can’t they just fucking co-exist? The market is clearly big enough. Back in the day, there was the phrase, “Genesis does what Nintendon’t” which-yes is funny-but stupid. As a little girl, I owned both a Sega AND a N64. Why? Because I’m not an elitist hipster prick who thinks their decisions and beliefs are the end all be all for everyone in the world. They both played what they played, and I loved them both dearly. I also owned a PS2 and an original Xbox and later a 360 at the same time. They didn’t duke it out at night when I slept soundly in my bed  that was woven from your shed console war fanboy tears, they simply co-existed in peace and harmony.


The mainstream gaming market is clearly large enough now to support EVERYONE. Now, maybe the console wars were a bit more legitimate back when it was the original Xbox/360 launch and the PS2 and early PS3 days (and even before that), because gaming still had a somewhat niche audience, but at this point-this faux nerd culture we live in now-almost everyone plays games whether it be on their 360, their one, their ps3/ps4, their nintendo consoles or their mobile devices. The market is large enough for everyone to just exist. This hatred, this contemptible hatred that someone has simply because someone else likes something different that doesn’t affect their live in ANY FUCKING WAY needs to STOP. All you do is make yourself look like a downright asshole, and make everyone else around you in that camp look like a bad person too, as you represent the community. And right now, the community is garbage.

So my game plan is I’m going to buy all 3 consoles-An Xbox One, A Wiiu AND a PS4-and I am going to play them all vigorously throughout the day, with equal time and then go have hot lesbian sex with my gorgeous wife. E-mail me if you have a problem with it.


  • Ramon Aranda December 3, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    LOL funny article!

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