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The Elite 4 Are Creepy

by on November 28, 2013
 

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I was playing Pokemon Black recently (yes yes, I play stuff way late, we know. Also, I don’t own a 3DS) and I was at the elite 4 and I couldn’t help but wonder…

…what does the elite 4 DO on a day to day basis? Like, you know gym leaders CAN leave, because I’ve gone to gyms and there’s someone there who’s like, “Nope, sorry, Gym Leader So-And-So isn’t here right now. Come back later”. By the way, not many people know this, but Gym Leader So-And-So is the most respected and fear gym leader of all, and will take you down in a matter of seconds. He don’t fuck around. But that does happen from time to time, right? So what does the elite 4 do? Do they just hang out in those rooms all day every day waiting for a challenger? Do they bring books in? Can they LEAVE? I mean they clearly don’t have beds and a shower in those rooms, so it leads you to wonder if the elite 4 live elsewhere and if so WHERE?

I’m curious about these types of things and I often sit around thinking about them (because I have NOTHING ELSE TO DO) but it does seem to me that the elite 4 are actually pretty mysterious. Now, I watched the anime when I was a kid and I only watched like the first 2 seasons or something and I haven’t gone much outside that and the games for my knowledge of the Pokemon universe and god knows I’m not gonna go LEARN about ’em and do research before publishing anything, I’M A JOURNALIST DAMMIT, but…do they have lives outside of being the elite 4? Is it a celebrity status symbol? Like do they go out to clubs and hit on other trainers, like, “Hey baby, I’m June from Elite 4. Why don’t you come over here and let me Ekens your Chansey”? And, on top of that, how do you become a member and how do you get to the top spot? Clearly the elite 4 are ranked from weakest to toughest, because the first is always the weakest and the last is always the toughest, so did they challenge eachother and just go off who won and make them #1 and then go down the list like that? And as I asked, how do you become a member? Is it just an application you fill out? WHY DOES NOBODY KNOW ANYTHING. Is this some sort of secret illuminati type cult?

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Not to mention how difficult it is just to GET to the Elite 4. Waterfalls and snowy mountains and deep dark caves. They clearly don’t want The Pokemon League to be found.

I mean, the vibe they give off is that they want to kill you, wear your skin as a suit and rape the corpse.

The Elite 4 are creepy, man. They are straight up isolated, mysterious and dangerous. That has Jonestown ALLLLL over it buddy. I imagine that they exist-and this is my theory-purely to keep OTHER trainers from becoming too powerful. Think about it, never do you hear about your past trainers successes in new games. You’re just always told to beat the Elite 4. That’s the end goal. What if the Elite 4 is almost like a governing body created with the sole purpose and intent to destroy the trainers who may be MORE powerful than them, so that the world of Pokemon doesn’t fall into absolute chaos under one control? I like to imagine that somewhere in that building, there’s just a room FILLED with skeletons of past trainers.

Probably not really what happens but a girl can dream can’t she?

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