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access_time November 15, 2013 at 11:14 PM in Features by Maggie Wiland

Reboots: Now With 100% More “Ugh…”

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Gritty reboots are all the rage these days.

From Tomb Raider to Man of Steel, people don’t like stuff if it isn’t hardcore and edgy, so why not follow the trend up with some classic games? That’s right, I’m suggesting gritty reboots of classics such as Asteroids, Centipede and even Pong. On an unrelated note, they’re rebooting the old CGI series “Reboot”. The wording of that just sounds stupid on principle alone.


The year is 2772, and Earth is on it’s last leg. The economy is gone and riots have taken over the streets. Revolts are commonplace, and just when it looks to be the end, we get wind that there’s an enormous asteroid field hurtling towards us at breakneck speed. This begins to bring us together as we bond over our humanity, or current loss thereof. Enter the player, one disowned and distraught Preston O’Connell, astronaut for the last NASA flight before funding was cut. After losing his crew-and later his home life-Preston decides enough is enough, and decides to end his life, only to be called upon as the man for the job as he’s the only man who’ll go out to destroy the field. However, once inside the asteroid field, Preston not only finds himself faced with the destruction of the earth, but the destruction of his mind. Now seeing this as a way to redeem himself, he chases the ghost of his wife through notes she’d left behind stating this would happen. Turns out though, not every crew member of Prestons died that day, and they don’t want to see him succeed…

Come on, there’s so much to do with that. Space games are in, survival games are the rage and horror games have a pretty solid fanbase. THIS COULD MAKE MILLIONS. SHOULD it be made though? Of course not. Although, and maybe this is my bias talking (because let’s face it, I am one awesome sexpot of woman and every girl in the world just can’t resist me), this sounds exponentially better than ANY triple a title I’ve played recently. How about Pong?


In a city in Tokyo, you’ve got to fight to defend your honor. The game, is pong. The player, is YOU. A disgraced ex pong champion, now back to reclaim your title, your name is Lee Kwon, and you are the master. Only this time, the stakes are higher than ever. You aren’t doing this willfully however, as you’ve been drafted by a shadow organization that has taken over the Pong league and only wishes to use you to their full advantage. Win and you and your family go free. Lose and your family dies, while you play Pong forever as their slave. Not scared yet? You should be. The rules have changed, and now the loser of each match loses a limb. Can Lee Kwon survive long enough to not lose a limb and save his family, or will he fall, and be forced to witness his families end thanks to the game that took them from him to begin with?

Again, this sounds pretty awesome, but maybe that’s my ego speaking. Somebody should hire me to come up with these reboots. I’m cool. But seriously, making things darker and grittier doesn’t necessarily make them better, especially in a games sense. They changed Spyro the Dragon for the trilogy on xbox/ps2 and the final 360 title, and it was pretty terrible. Why? They made it super serious and ridiculously over the top dark. Spyro was a happy go lucky little dragon who just wanted to kill frogs and eat gems! That’s why we loved him! Don’t get me wrong, I played and beat Dawn of the Dragon and it was decent enough, but it should NOT have been titled Spyro. And don’t even get me STARTED on Skylanders. Ugh. Talk about a 180. For some things it works to the games advantage. Tomb Raider, for example, was not only helped by the Uncharted popularity boost but it’s what Tomb Raider should’ve been to begin with. I hated the originals. And just look at each subsequent Sonic game for another example. Why do you think they made Generations and it was so critically adored?

At least we can be pretty reassured they won’t touch stuff from the classic days, like Bomberm-



Oh. Yeah.


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