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access_time September 22, 2013 at 10:16 AM in Culture by ubernaut

Clueless Gamer: GTA 5

Join Conan as he declares war against the Vanilla Unicorn strip club after he gets thrown out for getting “handsy” in his latest installment of the Clueless Gamer.

For those of you without sound i’ve included the transcript:

Gamers, the day has come.
This is the big one.
“Grand Theft Auto V.”
The game has just released.
I have not checked the Internet, but my assumption is that sales are nonexistent because everyone’s waiting for my review.
Here is the digital nerd that helps me to my digital Quixote.
There’s a guy named Franklin.
Trevor is a meth tweaker.
When we start here we’re going to play Michael.
That’s me in my house.
Aaron: The big thing in “grand theft auto” is driving.
That’s a big thing.
And there you go.
Yep, yep, OK.
CONAN: How do I back up?
Aaron: Left trigger.
Now we’re going to drive around, getting a feel for it.
CONAN: Fantastic.
That’s actually how I commute to work.
Aaron: Oh.
You can also steal any car.
You can jump out and just steal it.
Oh, nice.
Oh, nice.
Yell at the kid in the car.
A little mini Cooper.
That’s your phone.
Press green to answer it.
Aaron: Shit, I’m going down the western highway.
The yacht’s been stolen.
CONAN: What?
Aaron: Your son has tried to sell your yacht.
CONAN: My son tried to sell my yacht without me knowing it.
And the yacht got stolen and now it’s going to the highway.
Aaron: There’s your boat!
Just pull up right behind the boat and frank is going to jump on to the boat.
Try not to hit the thing.
Back up!
CONAN: I’m going!
I’m going!
They’re not letting me get in there.
You know what, I’ve known Franklin eight minutes.
Boo-hoo Franklin died.
CONAN: Oh, my God — why is the controller —
Aaron: Take a left.
CONAN: I’m doing it.
You sweated up the control, you pig.
Aaron: I get nervous — my hands sweat when I get nervous.
Try not to crash into the boat.
Get on the boat!
[Cheers and applause]
Take a right.
Where is Franklin?
Aaron: You’re doing good.
We’ve got to shoot this guy.
CONAN: How am I going to do that?
Aaron: Press this button.
Use the right shift to aim at it.
CONAN: You do it.
Aaron: Ah, it got away.
Aaron: That’s me seven times a day in my car.
CONAN: Who are these guys?
Aaron: They live near the Alamo sea.
CONAN: You take the map.
Aaron: Sorry.
Here’s the thing.
CONAN: You seriously have to wear gloves.
What idiot would ride in the back side of an open car in he’s got a life expectancy of eight seconds.
Aaron: You want to hit this.
Push that top button there.
CONAN: Yeah!
I got him!
Got him!
Aaron: No, no, no, no, no.
CONAN: No, it’s OK.
This thing always rights itself.
Aaron: We lost the guy in the back.
CONAN: Who needs Wade?
Why do we need Wade?
Aaron: I think we need him.
He’s a friend of ours.
Yep, we need him.
CONAN: Why do we need Wade?
Wade was abandoned?
Aaron: He’s a friend of ours.
We have to stick to.
CONAN: The loss of Wade was an improvement.
How do we get to the strip club?
Aaron: Get out of my way!
This is my strip club exit.
This is my place.
Here I come.
That’s a nice one.
CONAN: Why is she bopping around like that?
Aaron: We had to turn off the music for licenses music.
CONAN: I see.
Aaron: But she’s dancing to the music.
CONAN: It looks like she’s having some kind of insulin shot reaction.
Aaron: Like you want a private dance.
Girl: I’m so wet right now.
Aaron: You can touch her and flirt with her.
CONAN: Cheech Marin.
Guy: Please, just don’t tell me your life story.
CONAN: That’s flirting?
That’s the game right now.
Aaron: He’s back.
Bouncer: Maybe this will teach you to be handy.
CONAN: Right onto my erection.
You know my erection broke my fall.
Right back to my feet.
That’s how awkward it is just to stand with this guy.
This is so great.
Best part of the game.
Let me go back in.
Bouncer: There’s no way you’re getting back in.
CONAN: Do you want to fight?
Aaron: You want to hit this button.
You want to pull out a gun?
CONAN: Whoa.
Aaron: They shot him.
CONAN: Wait.
I just got shot and I went to the hospital?
Aaron: Yeah, whenever you die you walk — wake up in the hospital?
CONAN: You know what, nice, this is sort of pro Obamacare.
Look at him.
He went to the crappiest looking hospital in the world and he’s out.
Aaron: Sorry.
Got to get to the strip club.
CONAN: Where everybody knows your name Thanks.
I was killed here an hour ago.
Aaron: Nice.
Same thing.
Girl: What are you going to do to us?
CONAN: I don’t know.
Uncross your eyes.
We’ve now gotten into a chopper.
Go on a chopper that fires missiles.
Kick me out of a strip club, I come back with a missile firing shotgun.
That’s a strip club in — club?
Aaron: That’s the strip club.
CONAN: What happened?
Aaron: We hit a poll!
CONAN: Those girls laughed at me.
I see it.
Aaron: Fire down on it.
CONAN: Yeah!
Aaron: Oh, no, you’re going to ram it!
CONAN: Yeah, I rammed it.
Aaron: There you go.
We’re locked to that guy.
CONAN: I have brought a missile firing chopper of the strip club.
The bouncer sees me!
I’m locked on!
What bouncer has a grenade?
What bouncer is prepared for a helicopter attack?
That’s a bad-ass strip club.
[Cheers and applause]


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