It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year again – the temperature has reached 800,000 degrees (700,000 degrees Celsius) and the dry versus sticky heat rages like political fire. The only solace for some is an air-conditioned theater and a small Coke the size of a kindergarten student.
That’s right, it’s summer blockbuster season once again, where the movies are full of big explosions, big boobs, big muscles, and small plotlines. Last year, around this time, we asked you what video games should be made into movies, and the response was huge – so big we had to do two Top X Lists!
This year, it’s the other way around – some games based on movies are fantastic, such as Aladdin based off the Disney film, while some are simply terrible. And by that we mean E.T. The Extraterrestrial.
Yes, I invoked the name of the worst video game of all time. That is the level of danger that tie-in games are capable of.
Fortunately, our friends at the GotGame Multiplex run a game shop right inside the theater, and they only sell movie tie-in games that don’t suck. That reduces their stock to virtually nothing, and they’re looking for a few good hits.
Allow me to make a few suggestions, in the long-awaited return of the Top X List, where this time x = “5 Movies that Should Be Turned into Video Games (That Don’t Suck).”
There was only one main rule to follow in this Top X List: It could not have already been a video game. Many people suggested titles like Mean Girls, Kick-Ass, and The Fifth Element, which all sound like great ideas. But they’ve already been done. And, according to reviews, were pretty bad. Sorry, I can’t change the past, I can only work to better the future.
And now, let’s take a look at what’s being offered in the GotGame Multiplex gift shop.
Rated M for Mature
There are several spy titles out there, some that were revolutionary (Goldeneye 007), and some that were… not so much (Charlie’s Angels). But no title has what RED can offer – old people! Well, not “old,” per se, but retired. Retired and extremely dangerous could be a unique take on the action spy shooter, requiring times for rest, less speed than a normal spy protagonist, and something rarely seen in video games: a middle-aged or older hero and cast of characters. Frank Moses is roped into another CIA scandal and must rely on his former teammates to clear his name… and protect the family started with Sarah. Collector’s edition contains a free replica AARP card!
Rated T for Teen
The new story of Serenity, Firefly-class, could be formed in one of two ways, the most obvious of which is a standard sci-fi shooter in the vein of Halo, should Halo crash land in the Wild West. But the other is as an RPG. Players could build their party between the members of the crew, including Captain Mal, Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee, Shephard Book, Simon (casting two males as healing characters, not all that common), River, or Inara. I feel almost unfair suggesting a plot to this game, as I would certainly want Joss Whedon involved, but I would definitely expect The Operative to make a return, and possibly a reintroduction somehow of Saffron and the Men with Blue Hands. Fan service would be at an all-time high.
Catch Me If You Can
Rated T for Teen
Running down the list of the individual filmographies of Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, and Steven Spielberg, Catch Me If You Can may not rank toward the top of any of them, but the 2002 vehicle received sweeping positive review for all three, and still stands as one of the best movies of the early 2000s. Inspired by true events, ultimately Frank Abagnale, Jr. accepts a job in the bank fraud division of the FBI in order to serve out the rest of his sentence. The video game based on the film would be a stealth action game focusing on one (or more) of the major cases of fraud or embezzlement that Abagnale and partner Carl Hanratty teamed up on. Players would be required at times to switch between Abagnale and Hanratty who have different talents – Abagnale the con man, master of disguise and able to pick apart a phony nearly instantly, Hanratty the FBI agent with the law and the forces of the FBI on his side.
Unique to this game in opposition to other stealth action titles – neither character would have particularly good fighting capabilities, making true stealth that much more necessary. Abagnale has a modicum of hand-to-hand ability, while Hanratty can make do with a handgun, but neither would be particularly spectacular at it. The game could also work well as episodic content, with new episodes being new cases.
Rated M for Mature
Obviously targeted to women (who are a large driving force in rhythm games and quickly growing in prominence in gaming society and economics), the sales pitch is simple: it’s a dance game with Channing Tatum in a thong.
Can also be marketed to gay gamers and men who want a body like Channing Tatum’s. Fun fact: a person who weighs 180 pounds who takes a one-hour pole dancing class burns 485 calories. It’s not gay to want to look like Channing Tatum in a thong.
And yes, ladies, the Magic Mike experience is better with Kinect.
Rated M for Mature
There has long been rumored a third movie in the Kill Bill series; Quentin Tarantino himself seems to have quashed that rumor in late 2012 saying that a third story is “unlikely” and that he wishes to pursue other projects.
Allow us to pursue it for you, Mr. Tarantino.
Kill Bill Volume 3 would look and play very similarly to the rebooted Ninja Gaiden series, but as Kill Bill drew from many genres, including spaghetti Westerns, kung fu films, and anime, so too would Volume 3, including action, hack-n-slash, racing, and maybe even a bit of detective procedural.
The story would stem from Tarantino’s own ideas for a third film: A youth troubled from a traumatic event in her early childhood, fifteen-year-old Nikki Bell has been in and out of therapists’ offices for her fascination with death and bladed weapons. It is during one of these therapy sessions that she finally recalls under hypnosis the repressed memory of witnessing Beatrix Kiddo throwing a knife into her mother’s heart. She also recalls Beatrix’s offer of revenge, should she desire to seek it. Nikki demands the chance from her foster parents, who have worked to bring her up as a normal child since the killing; when they refuse to be a part of it, she decapitates both of them in their sleep.
Nikki researches the story of the Black Mamba, from the formation of Bill’s Deadly Viper Assassination Squad to the massacre at the Bride’s Wedding Rehearsal to Beatrix’s discovery of Bill and her daughter, B.B. Hacking her foster parents’ bank account, she flies to Tokyo and tracks down Sofie Fatale, the one-armed protege of Bill, who has been longing to avenge the death of not Bill, but O-Ren Ishii, Sofie’s boss and best friend, who was on Beatrix’s revenge list.
Sofie takes Nikki in and raises her, but makes her swear that she would not seek revenge until she was eighteen, as Beatrix offered her the chance of revenge “as an adult.” On Nikki’s eighteenth birthday, Sofie throws her a big party to a now-seemingly adjusted Nikki Bell. Nikki’s present from Sofie: A diamond bracelet, and a piece of paper with two codes. These codes grant access to Bill’s millions, which went to Sofie upon his death, and both women begin to plot their revenge, starting by targeting Beatrix’s daughter, B.B., whose full name is revealed to be Billie Beatrix – in essence, Nikki and Sofie begin to plot to kill Billie.
It’s a lot of exposition, but the entire Kill Bill movie runs at four hours… it’s not like it would be a short game.
Players step into the role of the Bride, Beatrix, as she works to protect her daughter, whom she sees as the last bastion of innocence and the end to the cycle of violence. Sofie and Nikki have revived O-Ren Ishii’s yakuza army, and have sent them after Billie. Beatrix will have to fight through them, finish Sofie once and for all, and face down and fulfill her promise to Nikki Bell.
A strong, female protagonist, a deep storyline, and non-stop action. Something for everyone in this tie-in title.