Top 10 Strange Sports That Should Be Videogames!
Sports games have always been very popular, and with the advent of motion controls, that popularity will only grow. The problem is, all the popular sports have games already. Football, Hockey, Soccer, Baseball, MMA, Snowboarding, Skating, and even Jet-ski racing have already been done. Developers are going to need to dig a little bit deeper to bring new sports to the video game world. Luckily for them, I have ten sports ready to be turned into games!
I had a hamster once. He looked bored in his little cage, so I made him a hamster ball. He looked like he was having a lot of fun, until the lack of air-holes caught up with the poor little guy. I always wondered what it would be like to run around in a hamster ball. Thanks to our good friends in the land down under (birth place of the Zorb), I can finally satisfy my curiosity
In Zorbing you’re placed inside a giant inflatable ball, and rolled down a hill. Currently, this isn’t a competitive sport, but it should be. Place people in Zorbs and have them compete in various events. Zorb bowling, sumo Zorb, or perhaps a good old fashioned Zorb Race. Control the whole thing with the Wii Balance Board, and you’re golden.
9. Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling
It is a sad but true fact that the most noble of all sports is in jeopardy of leaving this world. The magnificent spectacle of Cheese Rolling has grown in popularity over the years from a quaint tradition to a worldwide phenomena. People gather from all over the world to enjoy the pomp and circumstance of Cheese Rolling, where people race to the bottom of a hill to win a wheel of cheese. With Cheese Rolling’s popularity rising, administrative costs, such as the cost for paramedics, have skyrocketed. Due to these costs, it has been harder and harder to establish a Cheese Rolling event. Attempts to charge admission were met with resistance, as many feel that watching Cheese Rolling is a divine right that all men, poor or rich, should be able to enjoy.
To solve this funding dilemma, I propose a simple solution. A Cheese Rolling video game can be created. Such a game would be a massive undertaking as capturing the various intricacies of the sport would be exceedingly difficult. While such a product would easily dwarf games like Madden or NBA 2k13 in development cost and complexity, this game could be the key to saving Cheese Rolling. The game would surely sell millions of copies, and its profits could be used to fund Cheese Rolling for years to come.
I beg of you EA. Use your power for good for once, and save Cheese Rolling!
8. Wife Carrying
There are many types of races in this world. There are marathons, sprints, hurdle races, relay races, swimming races, outhouse races (which narrowly missed the list), among many others. However, there is only one King of Races; the Wife Carry. In a Wife Carry race you must get to the finish line, while carrying your wife across your shoulders. Simple as that.
A good Wife Carry game should be 1/3 date simulator, 1/3 training, and 1/3 racing. In the dating simulator, you meet women, who are potential partners in the Wife Carry. In a Wife Carry, you win your wife’s weight in beer. Picking a slender wife will result in a higher chance of winning, but a heavier wife will increase your reward. Wooing the proper sized woman will be critical in maximizing your price! While you seek out your wife, you engage in various training games to boost your stamina, speed, and agility.
Once you’ve found a well proportioned woman, you start racing. To simulate the wife carry experience, you’ll use a special bean bag doll controller with a Wii Remote lodged in her head. Move over Mario Kart. Don’t even bother releasing Drive Club. Wife Carry is the racing game of the future.
7. Pro Rock Paper Scissors
Ahhh, Rock Paper Scissors. By far, the greatest method for solving any argument. Rock Paper Scissors is no longer reserved for solving playground disputes. Thanks to Bud Light, and the increasing laziness of America, Rock Paper Scissors has been promoted from children’s game to sport.
In this game, you play as an amateur on the Rock Paper Scissors circuit. You start off plying your craft at local bars. A promoter realizes your potential, and gradually you go through the ranks, eventually winding up on the grandest stage of them all, the USARPS Tournament Finals. Rock Paper Scissors would no doubt be a challenging game. You need incredible reflexes and the ability to read your opponent like a book.
Rock Paper Scissors would be played with Microsoft’s Kinect 2.0 which will hopefully require the sophisticated technology that such an ambitious project would require. The game would feature a robust online mode. No longer will you be limited to playing Rock Paper Scissors locally. Now you can challenge the world. I imagine that such a game would quickly become the most played game on X-Box Live.
6. Shin Kicking
Once upon a time, two men wanted to kickbox each other. Kickboxing however can be painful and dangerous, so they settled on Shin Kicking. In Shin Kicking two men lock arms, and then kick each other in the shins until one of them falls. Of course, women can also shin kick if they so choose, but I don’t think they would. If I do find a Shin Kicking woman though, you can bet your ass I’ll make her mine.
This would work pretty well on Microsoft’s Kinect. In fact, you could pretty much replicate the sport perfectly. You lock arms and kick each other in the shins.When the camera sees a player fall, he loses. Now lets kick some shin!
5. Dwarf Tossing
I’m sorry if this isn’t the PC term for the sport, but I don’t think there is really anything PC about Dwarf Tossing. Dwarf Tossing is exactly what it sounds like. You compete with other people to see who could throw a little person the furthest. Sometimes, the little person wears a Velcro suit. You throw him at a Velcro wall, and then you see who’s little person went higher. That’s really all there is to it. Grab your Wii-Mote,spin around, and throw that dwarf. Ideally, the WWE would license this, and we can see Ryback chuck Hornswoggle across a bar.
4. Muggle Quiditch
When Harry Potter fans read about Quidditch ,they were dying to play it. Unfortunately, they soon realized that they couldn’t fly. Resourceful Muggles found a way to combine the fictive sport with their knack for dressing ridiculously in public, and Muggle Quidditch was born.
In Muggle Quiditch, each player is required to hold a broom between their legs at all time. As far as I can tell, the broom has no actual function, aside from making you look more appealing to the opposite sex. If you’re really into the game, you can ally yourself with one of the four houses (Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryfindor, and Ravenclaw for you non-virgins), and sew a homemade costume. From there, the game works the same as it does in the books. Chasers try to get a ball through a hoop, while beaters pelt them with other balls, and the seeker chases the snitch (yet another ball). The game ends when you catch the snitch, which instead of being a ball is a person decked out in yellow.
The game would come with a broom shape Wii-Mote holder. This must be held between your legs at all times, or you lose. As you progress through the Quiditch ranks, you will earn points that can be used to unlock Harry Potter fan-fiction. Then you can cry yourself to sleep, realizing you’ll never be a wizard, and will never escape the drudgery of reality.
3. Sepak Takraw
Alright, this one is actually pretty cool. Sepak Takraw is a sport played primarily in Asia. The rules are pretty simple. It’s the same thing as volleyball, but you can not use your hands or arms. Primarily, you kick the ball, although from my understanding you can also use your chest or head when necessary. It takes a lot of speed, agility, and flexibility.
So how would this translate into a video game? You could use Kinect, since bouncing a virtual ball is still the only thing it’s useful for. Alternatively, you could go with the Wii or PSMove. For these versions, the game will come with four straps. To play, you attach a Wii-Mote to each foot, one to your chest, and one to your forehead. Simple and easy
2. Extreme Ironing
Extreme Ironing is a lot like ironing, but far more extreme. Extreme ironers take their craft to the most extreme places they could find. For example, they iron on mountains, while jetskiing, and while biking. EXTREME!!!
An Extreme Ironing game should have a strong story component. You play as a young girl who is told by her mother that she will never be able to find a husband, due to her lack of ironing skill. To prove your mother wrong, you vow that you will become the greatest Extreme Ironing champion the world has ever seen. From home economics, to the crown of the statue of liberty, to the mouth of an active volcano, you prove yourself. Along the way, you use your skills to woo men, and acquire sponsors. Eventually, you meet the right man, and iron his shirt on the top of Mt. Everest. EXTREME!!!!!!
Sometimes, the easiest way to create a new sport is to combine two older sports. Combine Frisbee and football and you have ultimate Frisbee. Combine basketball and swimming and you have water polo. Combine chess with boxing, and you have Chess-Boxing.
You’ve seen chess players get so enraged during a game, that they throw the board across the room, right? Well, in Chess-Boxing you can vent your anger by punching the daylights out of your opponent. Chess-Boxing pits two chess/boxing masters against each other. After 4 minutes of chess, the gloves go on, and the two players have a 3 minute boxing round. If you checkmate or KO your opponent, you win. You can also win by decision in boxing, if there is a stalemate on the board.
A Chess-Boxing game would be pretty straight forward. First you play chess, then you box in a Wii-Boxing like fighting mode. As you take damage in boxing, your performance in chess declines. The board becomes fuzzy, certain moves are randomly blocked off, etc. Winning would require deft hands, and a brilliant mind.
So… yeah. All of those sports are 100% legit, and all of them would make awesome video games. Look me in the eye, and tell me you wouldn’t buy Wife Carry 2K 13 if you saw it at your local Gamestop.
If there are any weird sports I missed, feel free to fill in the blanks and hit me up on Twitter @GotGameJustin