The World According To The NRA
Apparently, violent media makes us violent. Games like Bulletstorm, Splatterhouse, and Mortal Kombat are warping our fragile little minds, even if nobody bought Splatterhouse, and turning us into violent sociopaths. I hate to question the NRA, who called out those videogames in a recent press conference, but if videogames are so influential, why is violence the only trait they pass on? It stands to reason that if violent games make us more violent, non violent games should make us more violent. Let’s take a look at what the world would look like if gamers were as feeble minded and impressionable as the NRA says…
Army Recruitment Would Be Through The Roof
Call of Duty is a game that surprisingly wasn’t mentioned in particular by the NRA in their recent conference. Maybe games like Splatterhouse and Bulletstorm sound better in a press conference, but it seems odd to ignore the most popular shooting game out there.
Call of Duty is a game about shooting people, but it’s a game about shooting people for the military. So, it seems only natural that if Call of Duty makes us want to shoot people, it should make us want to shoot people for Uncle Sam. If games are “murder simulators” as our good friend Jack Thompson has claimed, then Call of Duty must also be a “soldier simulator”.
Since gamers are all so very impressionable, I must assume that we’ve seen a massive surge in enlistment since Call of Duty gained popularity, and since games can transfer real life skills like shooting and killing, we should now have an incredibly well trained army. When Russia attacks Washington DC, the NRA will be glad that Call of Duty helped us prepare for the inevitable. Yvan eht nioj!
We Should Be Super Active and Fit
If playing Mortal Kombat fills me with the urge to rip out spines, then shouldn’t Madden fill me with the urge to go out and toss the pigskin around? Madden, NBA 2K, and Fifa sell millions of copies a year. Because those smart fellows at the NRA have told me that video games affect real life behavior, I can only assume that the rise in Madden sales has led to a rise in activity level in children. That’s not even counting Mario Sports, Mario and Sonic at the Olympics, and Wii Sports, the best selling game of all time. I can only assume that by now we are a country full of vibrant, buff, and athletic supermen who make Jack La Lane look like Chris Farley. Thank you EA and Take 2 games for solving the obesity crisis!
Everybody Should Be Super Duper Helpful
Anyone who’s played the Legend of Zelda, Skyrim, Mass Effect, or any JRPG should know that a gaming hero’s journey is spent in the following manner. Ten percent of your time is spent questing, 20 percent is spent dealing with bureaucracy, 30 percent is spent listening to stories about the history of your enemy, and 40 percent of your time is spent helping random civilians with their problems. Oh some jerk is hitting on you? I’ll set him straight for you. That Hanar is bothering you with his preaching? Right on it ma’am. Your son wants a mask? Well, I’ll get it for you. I mean, it wasn’t like I was busy saving the world or anything.
Since we gamers are feeble minded and impressionable, the bizarre helpfulness of gaming characters must have rubbed off on us. I can only assume that most gamers spend their days striking up conversations with strangers and then trying to solve all of their life problems.
People Should Be Leaving The Cities To Live The Simple Life Of A Farmer
In recent years, few games have been as popular as Farmville, a Facebook based game that revolves around raising crops and animals. At its peak, Farmville had about 80 million users. Even if you weren’t an active Farmville player, you couldn’t log onto Facebook without someone asking you to visit their farm.
Lately, I haven’t been getting as many Farmville requests as I used to. I think I know why that is. I’m not receiving Farmville requests because the people who used to send them now spend their days on actual farms. If violent games beget violent behavior, farming games must beget farming behavior. It stands to reason that we are in the midst of a massive period of de-urbanization. Due to Farmville, people must be leaving cities in droves to plant carrots and raise pigs.
Hundreds Of Spines Are Ripped Out Each Year
There is a dark side to all of this gaming. I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss the tragic spine ripping out epidemic that has surely been plaguing our country. The NRA pointed out the blight upon mankind that is Mortal Kombat (party like it’s 1995 guys!), but they didn’t specify exactly which violent acts Mortal Kombat is responsible. Since Mortal Kombat characters don’t use guns (except for Stryker, but who really uses Stryker?), I have to assume that gamers are imitating the acts of violence that are found in Mortal Kombat.
I must conclude that each year hundreds of people are ripping out the spines of others, possibly after freezing their victim with their palms. Hundreds more are being uppercutted into pits full of spikes. All over the nation, blond vixens are killing men with explosive kisses. The NRA are clearly experts on gaming and its impact on society, so if they say killers are inspired my Mortal Kombat, they must be right. Ed Boon, how do you sleep at night?
NGKRA (National Go Kart Racing Association) Has Surpassed NASCAR
Nascar games sell a measly few hundred thousand copies per outing. Games like Gran Turismo and Forza Motorsport sell better, about 10 million a pop for GT and 5 million for Forza, but neither of these franchises can hold a candle to Mario Kart. Mario Kart’s DS and Wii outings sold 20 and 30 million units respectively. Since life imitates videogames, this must mean that Go Karting has become more popular than traditional car racing. Also, there must be an epidemic of banana peel and turtle shell incidents on America’s highways.
A Man Chooses. A Slave Obeys.
If we are as mentally malleable as the NRA claims, then we must be influenced equally by all videogames and all aspects of those games. If a small flash game called Kindergarten Killer caused the recent massacre, then the tens of millions of Farmville players should be headed for rural America. If Call of Duty is causing us to kill, then it should be causing us to kill while in the service of the US army. If we are so influenced by Bulletstorm, why wouldn’t we also be influenced by Madden? If, as the NRA claims, we are influenced by the violent aspects of video games, we must be influenced by other aspects of games as well.
It wouldn’t make sense if only violent games effect our behavior. If only one specific type of game correlates with a particular type of behavior, then we would be forced to conclude that it is not video games that are influencing people, but certain tendencies which influence our choice in media.