Ever since the beginning of the talkies, two things have happened: men incessantly quote movies, and women continuously cringe at it most of the time. It’s a testimonial to how memorable the movie is. Exhibit A: Napoleon Dynamite. What a crap movie that was. But I often find myself telling anyone named Tina to “get your food, you fat lard.” I also tell people that “I love lamp,” that “It’s not you I’m mad at, it’s the dirt,” and that “Danger is my middle name.” (Anchorman, Mommie Dearest, and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, respectively.)
Since the earliest video games of the 1980s, video games have reached a level comparable to movies in quotability. Whether the quote was deep, touching, bizarre, humorous, or just plain bad Engrish, there are many lines that a gamer has in his repertoire for any given moment.
Therefore, for some more tools for your Quote Toolbox, allow me to present you this Top X List! This time, x = “20 Best Video Game Quotes!”
There really was no guidelines on this one, so everything was on the table. And without further ado, here’s the list.
#20 “You spoony bard!” ~ Tellah, Final Fantasy IV (US 2)
“Spoony?” What the hell is “spoony?”
Turns out “spoony” is someone foolish or flighty, as in someone who’s lovestruck. But here’s my point: This is not an SAT Vocabulary session, this is Final Fantasy. I’m ready to magic the hell out of something. Don’t jabber on about “spoony bards,” and don’t make me run to a dictionary during a video game. I’m pretty confident in my vocab skills, so if I’m looking up a word you’ve gone too damn far.
#19 “If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh.” ~ Magus, Chrono Trigger
Wow. That’s deep. Who are we, anyway, in this fleeting mortal plane? What of us will be of any import when our weak shells wither away and crumble into the ground?
… I’ll ponder that later, possibly under alcoholic enhancement. Can we just fight now?
#18 “X-Men! Welcome to Die!” ~ Magneto, X-Men (arcade)
Welcome to Die? Is that like Truth or Consequences, New Mexico? Or Hell, Michigan? I thought we were heading to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I knew I should’ve made that left turn in Albuquerque.
#17 “You were almost a Jill sandwich.” ~ Barry, Resident Evil
Bwaaaahahahaha… really? Has this guy not progressed past 6th grade speech? She should have retorted with “I’m rubber and you’re glue!”
#16 “Buy somethin’ will ya!” ~ Shopkeeper, The Legend of Zelda
God, man, such pressure! I just GOT HERE! You know how many Moblins and Octoroks I had to kill just to get here?? Let me catch my breath and SHOP for an effing minute! Pushy salespeople…
#15 “Say, ‘fuzzy pickles.’” ~ Photographer, Earthbound
OK, Earthbound was a weird game. Fun, challenging, but just plain weird. And this is one of the first weird moments: a photographer drops out of the sky, offers you a picture, then when your party poses, he asks you to say “fuzzy pickles.”
Whatever, as long as it keeps me away from Pokey. What a freak.
#14 “Would you kindly?” ~ Atlas, Bioshock
So innocent sounding, right? Remember the shock (no pun intended) when you put two and two together to realize that “Would you kindly…” pretty much mandated everything up to meeting Andrew Ryan? And that your character was no more than a pawn in the war between Ryan and Frank Fontaine. By that point I was all ready to get jacked up on ADAM and kill everything in sight.
#13 “A winner is you!” ~ Pro Wrestling
Victory belongs as mine! I am for enjoy some Engrish!
#12 “I am Error.” ~ Error, Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
…So, what now?
…This is the worst blind date ever.
#11 “You have died of dysentery.” ~ Oregon Trail
Damn! I’ve fixed broken arms, rationed food, prevented infighting, and now I die of dysentery? What the hell is dysentery anyway? Tell me, you spoony bard!
#10 “Do a barrel roll!” ~ Peppy, StarFox
“Do a barrel roll!”
“Do a barrel roll!”
FINE! **does the barrel roll**
“Do a barrel roll!”
#9 “Sorry, I’m dead.” ~ Deceased Crab, Monster Party
… um… okay. My bad. I’ll just… I’ll just be leaving now.
#8 “What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.” ~ Dracula, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
One of the few really deep quotes on here, this was actually one of those quotes that stuck with me after the game. Like, “Am I a miserable little pile of secrets?” A little soul-searching was caused here. Enough to the point where you forget it’s a half-vampire son about to kill off his father, the most powerful vampire the world has ever experienced.
Maury Povich would be proud.
#7 “All your base are belong to us.” ~ CATS, Zero Wing
Oh, you knew this was going to pop up in this list. It’s the most popular Engrish quote out there, and I use it frequently at my day job, especially when protecting suites. “ALL YOUR SUITE ARE BELONG TO US!” And every gamer reading this article has used it at opportune times as well. Don’t lie!
#6 “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this.” ~ Old Man, The Legend of Zelda
It’s dangerous to go alone? Oh, thanks for telling me! I had no idea, I mean, it’s only the first screen of the game. You really saved my bacon, old dude. So, where do we go? Thanks for coming along, by the w –
You’re not coming? But you just said it was dangerous to go alone! I don’t wanna die! And you’re giving me a sword made out of wood? Oh for Pete’s sake. What am I supposed to do with this, attack beasts with allergies??
Thanks for nothing, old fart.
#5 “Run! Run! Or you’ll be well-done!” ~ Kefka, Final Fantasy VI (US 3)
For lack of a better term, Kefka is one of the sickest f***s in gaming. Overtake Doma in a siege? Not good enough! Poison them all! Be a high-ranking general with power in the Empire? No way, Jose! Kill Emperor Gestahl! Kefka is sick and twisted and enjoys every minute of it. He’s right up there with Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight.
At one point in the game, he chases down pretty much everyone in his path, trying to kill them. But he’s not just content to kill you… he wants to incinerate you. Not only does he want to incinerate you, he wants to mock you while he does it. MOCK YOU.
What a sicko.
#4 “Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.” ~ GLaDOS, Portal
On the flip side of the sicko coin, there’s GLaDOS. GLaDOS appears in the start of Portal as a guide – too robotic to have emotion, but certainly not out to do harm. And we believed it. And we believed in the cake. What kind of cake would it be? Yeah, we can jump through these Portals. Speedy thing in, speedy thing out. I get it. But why am I being shot at? What are you doing with my companion cube? And why are you calling me a bad person, GLaDOS? As she slowly, but clearly, turns to evil, you look for any last shard of good left in her personality core, because you wanted to trust her, and she’s funny, if she wasn’t smashing on you.
What a sicko.
#3 “What a horrible night to have a curse.” ~ Simon Belmont, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest
Aw, hell. As if Castlevania II wasn’t hard enough. Players weren’t really used to non-linear games, especially after the very linear Castlevania. So while you were lost and wandering around Transylvania trying to put Dracula back together again (just to kill him again), now the sun has set.
And the hard Castlevania II just got ten times harder. Way more monsters, way more danger, and you had to hope and pray you could withstand it until daybreak.
This quote I also find useful after a long night of drinking ends in a barf session. That, also, is a horrible night to have a curse.
#2 “Thank you Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!” ~ Mushroom Retainers, Super Mario Bros.
Level 1 – Oops, you fooled me. Tee hee.
Level 2 – Oh, you silly Mushroom Retainers.
Level 3 – Ok, this is getting irritating.
Level 4 – …
Level 5 – Mushroom risotto.
Level 6 – Portabella mushroom sandwich.
Level 7 – Just plain murder.
Level 8 – FINALLY! Get in the car, we’re going home!
#1 “Hey! Listen!” ~ Navi, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
That damn fairy! Shut up! “Hey! Listen!” No, YOU listen! I am trying to save Princess Zelda, I have things to… oooh, treasure! A Heart Container! Thanks, Navi, that was really helpful.
“Hey! Listen!” got annoying as hell, but every once in a while it led to something really great. As much as you wanted to smash Navi against a wall for most of the game (with Tingle’s head, no less), every so often the discoveries Navi made were more than worth it. Plus, you can use it in the real world, and almost every gamer will recognize it, and give a little chortle or giggle.
Unlike Navi, though, you should use it in moderation.
Big thanks to all the GotGamers who made suggestions for this list!