Top X List: Double-Feature at the GotGame MultiPlex
Good movies are talked about for long periods of time after their release. Great movies get sequels.
Well, actually, good movies get sequels too. And some bad movies too. (Really? Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son? Because the first two Big Momma’s House movies weren’t painful enough?)
As soon as we posted our Top X List titled “A Night at the GotGame MultiPlex,” we were flooded with great ideas from the smartest readers in the gaming community. So good, in fact, we were compelled to create our own sequel.
Thanks to all the GotGamers out there, we present our latest edition of the Top X List, where this time x = “14 MORE Video Game Titles That Should Be Turned Into Feature Films That Don’t Suck.”
The same rules that apply to the first list apply to the second as well:
- We’re aiming to keep it live-action. That, of course, doesn’t mean that gratuitous special effects and CGI can’t be used. It wouldn’t be a summer blockbuster without them.
- If it’s already a movie, it’s not on this list. That’s good for some titles, but movies like Super Mario Bros. & Street Fighter… sorry, but they’re still going to suck.
- If it’s in production, and there are major names attached to the project, that’s a good sign the project will be green-lit and come to be. If it’s “in production” but floundering without anything attached, that’s when it had a shot to be on the list. So if you don’t see American McGee’s Alice on here, that’s because despite troubles, Sarah Michelle Geller is still attached to the project and void from this list. That being said, make the damn movie! It’s like holding pee… at some point you just need to see a crazed storybook character with a knife on the big screen. Which actually is nothing like holding pee. But no matter.
Now that the rules are set in place, in no particular order, let’s see what you readers want to see playing at the GotGame MultiPlex.
Theatre 1 – Battletoads
10:00 am 1:15 pm 4:30 pm 7:45 pm 11:00 pm
During the Battle of Canis Major, three heroes led the forces of good known as the Intergalactic Commission against the Dark Queen and her renegades. Randy, Paul and Zach were intergalactic icons of heroism. But the Dark Queen cast a curse which fell upon them at a slow burn, and within a week each one of them were no more than a mere toad.
Five years have passed, and with the help of Professor T. Bird and the powers that be that head the Intergalactic Commission, the three have regained bipedal walking, speech, and the cognitive powers they once had (which doesn’t amount to much when it came to Paul)… but they’re still toads. Except now they’re the trio known as the “Battletoads” – Rash, Pimple, and Zitz. Since then they’ve worked to find the Dark Queen, who cast herself into hiding for the next attack, and discover a serum that will return them to normal, humanoid form.
Informants have discovered that the Dark Queen is hiding on a small, distant planet known as “Earth.” There seems to be some form of intelligent life, relatively speaking; however, Earth has not been an important player to the Intergalactic Commission, and as such research material has not been updated since 1997. Wanting to capitalize on the possibility of capturing the Dark Queen, the Battletoads forgo the year of recon on Earth culture and head into battle, discovering that a mere 15 years can produce a culture shock on the planet Earth… especially when you’ve never been there before.
Animated. I know I said I was focusing on live-action, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a couple of animated films, and this was a great idea submitted by Henry Namauu. Featuring the voices of Patrick Warburton as Paul/Pimple, Eric Idle as Professor T. Bird, and Michelle Pfeiffer as the Dark Queen in a performance and appearance that will make Jessica Rabbit look like Elmyra from Tiny Toons.
Theatre 2 – Columbia
10:10 am 2:00 pm 5:30 pm 9:40 pm
EYE ON THE WORLD News Reel: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a floating city! Ha ha… no need to worry, Joe and Jane Average-American-Citizen, everyone knows that the Floating City of Columbia is just a myth! Stories of a city held up by blimps that are secretly airborne battleships may have funneled curious men to their local Enlisting Station, but are nothing more than stories told in schoolgrounds and in the studios of those crazy Disney brothers taking over Hollywood.
However, if Columbia did exist, this would be the year it would re-enter the boundaries of the U. S. of A., so say the stuffy suits in our fine nation’s capital. So why is a mythical city returning in 1920 newsworthy? Why, Pinkerton’s, of course, but who else would get entrenched in something so silly? And it’s a Pink by the name of Booker DeWitt with a crazy idea that he’ll find – and ascend – to Columbia to save a girl by the name of Elizabeth. Why sir, that’s a swell idea you got there, but we don’t like Pinks in this here area, so I hope you get up to Columbia so that way someone can throw you over the side!
And in order to watch that, if you believe in the fairy tale – not that anyone would – you’ll have to keep one eye on the sky, and one EYE ON THE WORLD!
Based on the upcoming game BioShock Infinity. Fellow GotGamer John Curry suggested the original BioShock, but based on rules, the BioShock movie, though seriously troubled, forges on. However, upon research, I found the plotline of the upcoming entry in the series. I confess, I did not know anything much about Infinite, but quickly grew attached to the plot and setting, and think it could make a great period piece/action movie. Featuring Leonardo DiCaprio as Booker DeWitt and Zooey Deschanel as Elizabeth.
Theatre 3 – A Boy and His Blob
10:50 am 2:30 pm 6:50 pm 10:30 pm
In suburban Washington, DC, the Space Race can be felt in full effect. Fueled by recent releases of E.T. The Extraterrestrial and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and President Reagan’s “Starwars” projects, 1985 teachers wanted nothing more to fuel the thirst for knowledge and learning in their kids, hoping to breed the next great astronaut, and in the process, of course, defeat the Russian Communists.
Fifth-grade Gary didn’t care about any of that. He just wanted to pitch for the Baltimore Orioles.
But space invades his life when a blob crash-lands in his backyard. Now Gary and his new-found alien blob (Blobert, to be exact) must find a way to return him to his home planet and save it and his girlfriend from the clutches of the evil Emperor Jaleco!
Better hide your jellybeans.
Another great suggestion from reader Henry Namauu! This would be a great family-friendly movie to release during the Holiday season when the kids are on winter break.
Theatre 4 – Bubble Bobble
11:30 am 3:10 pm 6:10 pm 11:20 pm
Legend tells of a far-away land of half-land, half-sea dwelling people known as the Bubbleonians. Barely taller than a daisy, the Bubbleonians could live as adeptly on land as in water, and as such knew both so well that they became known as master sea-vessel makers, and many people far and wide would hire the Bubbleonians to craft and pilot their seacraft. When they did, the Bubbleonians made them sign and promise that they would never use Bubbleonian seacraft for fishing purposes, as that would be seen as an affront to their aquatic brethren.
When a Bubbleonian boat is seen out in deep waters, Poseidon, king of the sea, forces all Bubbleonians onto land, saying they broke the covenant of not fishing in Bubbleonian crafts. Incensed, the citizens of Bubbleonia vote to send Bub and Bob, two dragons who have been tamed on land and taught to blow bubbles instead of fire, to investigate. But what they discover goes beyond fishing – the cruel billionaire Drysdale Arid wants to enslave the whole sea and turn it into a water park for his spoiled daughter, Dusty! He’s already done it to a horde of monsters, brainwashing them into stopping and destroying the two bubble dragons. Can Bub and Bob save the seas and clear the name of Bubbleonia?
Now it is the beginning of a fantastic story! Let us make a journey to the Cave of Monsters!
Loosely based on the original Bubble Bobble. Another great idea for a kid’s animated movie, possibly while teaching environmentalism and water conservation at the same time. Great suggestion, Emily Romero!
Theatre 5 – Call of Duty
12:10 pm 1:40 pm 4:00 pm 5:20 pm 7:40 pm 9:00 pm
Simon Riley is a war hero. And while war may be hell, it’s cake compared to what happened back home. Protecting his abused mother, cleaning up his drug-addicted brother, Riley is a soldier’s soldier, both on and off the battlefront.
Left for dead as part of a captive international task force set to take down a Mexican drug smuggling ring, when Riley returns to England, he tries to re-acclimate himself to civilization post-torture. Someone in his task force was a rat, and as he obsesses over it, the responsible party will reveal himself in a shocking manner.
Starring Daniel Craig as Simon “Ghost” Riley.
Possibly the most lucrative suggestion of the bunch, reader Radley Medina instantly went for the Call of Duty series. And while war movies are financially successful, I’m personally not interested in them unless there is a solid storyline behind it. While researching the series in depth for film ideas, I stumbled upon a six-part miniseries comic titled Modern Warfare 2: Ghost. And I found the origin story of Ghost almost as intriguing as the character itself. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we found a winner!
Theatre 6 – Ghosts & Goblins
10:00 am 12:10 pm 2:50 pm 5:10 pm 7:30 pm 9:00 pm
It is the year 555 A.D., and the Throne Room of Britain is in disarray. An assassination attempt was made on King Arthur, and all signs point to the well-beloved Royal Chef. Now not only does the King have to be the worst person in Britain, now an unholy wizard has kidnapped Guinevere, claiming he will use her blood to tear open the barrier between Earth and the underworld, releasing its leader, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, to terrorize and destroy the world. And frankly, Arthur’s had about enough of that magic B.S.
But one night, as Arthur clumsily cuts himself making dinner on his own, he realizes one of his Royal Chef’s apprentices looks like the spitting image of Arthur and cons the boy (also named Arthur) into his “royal destiny” to fight Beelzebub, and save the world from the hands of the devil himself… instead of Arthur the king.
Arthur’s talent is for baking sweet things, not doing brave deeds, but in order to gain favor and clear his father’s name, he undergoes the quest. Now if he could only find armor that fit right and get rid of the wood nymph trying to seduce him, that would be just great.
Based on the original Ghosts ‘n Goblins. Featuring Channing Tatum as Arthur the Chef’s Apprentice. GotGamer Robert Courtney suggested this comedy-horror flick based on one of the hardest games in the world. Great pick!
Theatre 7 – Kid Icarus
11:00 am 1:30 pm 4:00 pm 6:40 pm 9:00 pm
Palutena, the goddess of light and goodness, and her armed forces are being attacked by a reborn Medusa, the snake-haired goddess of darkness. But a mysterious force is using this opportunity to feed the human race lies, offending Viridi, goddess of nature, and she begins assaulting the humans, freeing a crazed lunatic alien known as the Chaos Kin.
While both of these battles are happening, an alien force known as the Aurum begin attacking earth, and Palutena, Medusa, and Viridi join up along with Pyrrhon, the sun god, to beat them back, but Pyrrhon turns on them, wrests control of the Aurum and begin attacking all the others.
All the while Hades, god of the underworld, moves all the pawns, intent on destroying the world and its soul, pure protector… Pit, the one they called “Kid Icarus.”
Featuring Taylor Lautner as Pit. Kudos to Peter Caira for suggesting the original Kid Icarus, which led to this fake movie being inspired by the plotline of Kid Icarus: Uprising.
Theatre 8 – L.A. Noire
11:50 am 3:00 pm 7:00 pm 10:10 pm
It’s 1947, and policeman Cole Phelps is a man’s man. Cole Phelps likes his beer cold and his dames hot. He likes his coffee black, his friends white, and his Commies red and dead. Cleaning up the streets of LA and keeping them glittering for the rest of society is tough work, but if anyone can handle it, it’s Cole Phelps.
When a Marine from Phelps’ former unit shows up dead, Phelps investigates the murder back to a morphine ring run by his former squad, which the mob don’t take kindly too, and begins Swiss-cheesin’ the mugs up. But the scams lie larger than just the mob. As Phelps becomes wrapped up in the conspiracies, he’ll take his battle throughout LAPD up into the brass and down into the depths of the side of LA people choose to ignore: the gritty underworld, the part without red carpets.
Featuring Kevin O’Rourke as Cole Phelps.
I must confess, this was a suggestion of mine that pained me to keep off the first list. L.A. Noire is such a compelling storyline that there’s no reason it should not be a film already. Someone asked about Heavy Rain being a film, and my argument was that it practically already was a film; I believe in spirit that games like L.A. Noire was the ancestor to games like Heavy Rain and the upcoming Beyond: Two Souls. Almost cinematic, but still not quite there. Hollywood loves talking about itself, so 1947 Hollywood is a perfect setting for film, looking back on movies like Chinatown and L.A. Confidential.
Theatre 9 – Leisure Suit Larry
11:40 am 1:25 pm 3:00 pm 4:35 pm 6:45 pm 10:00 pm
Larry Laffer is a big f**king loser.
No really. He’s a loser, and he loses at copulating. He watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin and realizes he has five years up on him. He dresses as if it’s 1985, and not the cool Brat-Pack-1985, more like the leftover-disco-1985. He is the only person on the pornographic website Xtube with a Titanium Membership.
Now 45, depressed, heavy, balding, and out of lotion, Larry is determined to have sex. And the easiest place for random sex, of course, is Las Vegas. Comic hijinks ensue as Larry stumbles upon the secret operations of a high-powered prostitution ring who do not want their secrets revealed!
Starring Wayne Knight as Larry Laffer.
Awesome suggestion by reader Alex Tallent – Leisure Suit Larry was the game everyone played but no one wanted to confess to! Sex romps, even today, do very well at the box office (American Pie, anyone?) so I would be first in line to see this. Promotional material: A Leisure Suit Larry hand towel with a (pre-manufactured) yellowing stain on it.
Theatre 10 – Myst
10:20 am 7:45 pm 10:55 pm
Who you are is of no importance. How you got to Myst is. And how you will get back home is more so.
An experimental art film, shot in second person viewpoint, Myst asks the philosophical question, “Who do you trust when you’re alone?”
An intriguing suggestion from reader Tom Bastek, it’s hard to imagine a Myst movie doing well commercially, considering the game is so ethereal and solitary; then again, that’s what they said when the game was released, so the art-film route may be the best way to go with it. Plus, Cast Away was successful, so who’s to say, right?
Theatre 11 – Ninja Gaiden
11:20 am 2:15 pm 5:00 pm 7:45 pm 10:30 pm
A tale of revenge, murder, and double-crossing… Ryu Hayabusa travels to America to avenge his father, Ken, murdered in a duel on an archaeological dig. But when a mysterious woman kidnaps and leaves Ryu with a malformed, demonic doll, Ryu searches out Ken Hayabusa’s partner, archaeologist Walter Smith. Walter tells Ryu that the doll he has, the Shadow Doll, has a match, the Light Doll, which Walter is currently shipping back to England to analyze. He also tells of a legend, where the two dolls, when “matched under celestial phenomenon,” unleash a demon known as “the Jacquiao,” would would ravage the world. Though Walter asks Ryu for the Shadow Doll, Ryu is hesitant to let the two be in the same space and refuses. But when the private forces of terrorist Guardia de Mieux break into Walter’s cabin, killing him and stealing the Light Doll, Ryu gives chase, believing them to be the source of his father’s death.
Starring Austin St. John as Ryu Hayabusa, George Takei as Ken Hayabusa, and Grant Imahara as Walter Smith. Reader Brent Sprinkle suggested the Ninja Gaiden series, and while both the original NES trilogy and the current retcon have exceptional storylines, I went with putting the ancient art of ninjitsu in modern times which I think puts together an incredible dichotomy worth watching. Excellent choice, Brent!
Theatre 12 – The Oregon Trail
11:20 am 2:00 pm 4:25 pm 7:30 pm 10:30 pm
Young Joe Shoemaker faces his coming-of-age as he, his family, and several others brave the Oregon trail connecting the state to the Midwest. Leaving his hometown of Independence, Missouri, with his father and party leader John, his mother, Mamie, and his sister, Susan, Joe watches the drama the Oregon trail presents to explorer, from poisonous snakes to frigid cold to in-party arguing. With his mother dying of dysentery, and his father bit by a rattlesnake, Joe must step in and lead the party to their destination with the help of Susan, while fending off other adults who have felt from the beginning they should be in charge.
Featuring Chris Noth as John Shoemaker and Glenn Close as Mamie Shoemaker. The Oregon Trail is iconic in PC gaming, so props to readers Brent Sprinkle and Emily Romero for the classic suggestion!
Theatre 13 – Pong
11:15 am 1:50 pm 4:25 pm 7:00 pm 9:40 pm
Once upon a time, back in the 1970s, video games were a novelty, designed by those who grew weary of Dungeons & Dragons board games and orange-flavored Crush. But Nolan Bushnell and Allan Alcorn had a dream. And that dream involved two sticks, two hand paddles, one dot on a screen, and stacks of cash.
Everyone thought they were nuts. Who would want to play some electronic ping pong? This is the story of the two nuts that launched a society.
I don’t quite know if, when reader Jamie Mitchell suggested this, he was being serious or just a smartass. Fortunately I know some of the backstory behind the development of the game, and I happen to know it’s rather interesting. I think people would watch a movie about it. How do I know this? The nearly-$225 million worth of The Social Network.
Theatre 14 – Strider
11:00 am 5:00 pm 9:30 pm
In the year 2046, a dictator known as the “Grand Master” rules the world with an iron fist. Benevolent to those he favors, the ones who endure his cruelty and render it to innocent people at his selection, and evil to everyone else, he has survived many assassination and overthrow attempts. Now, a secret, martial-arts team known as the “Striders,” are sending their best and brightest out to overthrow the Grand Master – Hiryu, the youngest Strider to ever achieve the lofty rank of Platinum Star. Hiryu Strider will stop at nothing as he infiltrates the Grand Master’s capital in the country of Kazakhstan to eliminate the heinous dictator.
Starring Jet Li as Hiryu Strider. Suggested by reader Brent Sprinkle and seconded by reader Roberto Morales, a Strider movie may be thin on plotline or character development, but it would have a lot of fighting and blood and action and stuff blowing up. It would probably be a guy’s movie, but there’s nothing wrong with a little testosterone here and there.
And that wraps up another night at the GotGame MultiPlex. A big thank you to all the readers who suggested games to turn into movies; you all had some great suggestions! I’m confident that this list along with the last one will stir up a huge list of “Whys” and “Why nots,” so don’t be surprised if we’re headed back to the movies for a trilogy sometime soon.
See ya at the movies (and game stores)!