Top X List: Girls! Girls! Girls! Gaming’s Hottest Chicks
We’re growing ever closer to the NBA Finals, and the Stanley Cup Finals are about to get underway. Baseball is in full swing, and hell, there’s even some good boxing and mixed martial arts fights on the horizon.
The beer is cold, the food is fried… it’s the start of summer, the best time of the year to be a guy.
And just as important as sports, food, working on cars and scratching yourself is one key element critical to a guy’s summer: hot chicks.
Every game company is always looking for a way to get into the female gaming market, but in the meantime, they have no problem appeasing the base, for games today (and back in the day) are chock-full of great female video game characters for a gamer’s appreciation. Some of them are magical. Some are brilliant. But they have one key component in common:
They’re friggin’ hot.
We at GotGame have taken an eye to these fine feminine forms, and have culled the breast ones – I mean, best ones – for our latest version of our world-famous Top X List, where this time, x = “The 12 Video Game Girls that Should Make Up Your Semi-Naughty Girly Calendar.”
There were a couple of rules for this Top X List:
- All the girls selected had to be girls that good ol’-fashioned heterosexual male would look at and say, “Oh yeah… I’d get with that.” In fact, we had to remind some people that they were just game characters in fact, and pull them off of the TV. (Repeatedly…. I’m looking at you, John Curry…)
- Every girl had to have a stated age of over 18. Girls without stated ages, we let slide as long as they looked over 18. Any girls with stated ages 17 or less… well, we have filthy minds, but we’re by no means perverts.
- Only one girl per game series. If there were two hot chicks, well, sucks for the one we left out.
And now, with no further ado… CHICKS!!!
Name: Lara Croft
Series: Tomb Raider
She’s considered the first real sex symbol of video gaming, and why shouldn’t she? Tight shirt, short shorts, and more boulders coming at you than an Indiana Jones double-feature. She’s so hot, Angelina Jolie had to play her in the movie (hot squared!). So why is she only in the twelfth spot? Drama.
Tomb Raider was rebooted in 2006, and, while Lara stayed hot, designers worked on her… erm… “proportions.” Don’t get us wrong… we’d still like her to raid our tombs, dead or alive, but why mess with perfection? And, if one reboot wasn’t enough, 2013 will introduce a second reboot to the Tomb Raider series, one that focuses on earlier events in the backstory, and will aim to invoke empathy for the new Croft character.
All this translates into one simple thing: Lara Croft’s artifacts are in jeopardy. And we all know one thing that makes hot chicks instantly un-hot is drama.
Profession: Interpol officer/street fighter
Series: Street Fighter
Fun fact: Chun-Li was the first female playable character in a fighting game, earning her the nickname “the first lady of fighting games.” Just seeing her, you think, yeah, she’s cute and all, being the only girl in a sausage-fest. But then you saw the Spinning Bird Kick, and the Hyakuretsu Kyaku (Lightning Kick), and the question that every male player had that first time they played flashed through your head…
“Is she wearing panties?”
Then she became HOT.
However, two things keep her lower on the list. For one, her legs are buffer than mine. Her legs are buffer than most boxers I know. Why is this a problem? I’d like to reference you back to the James Bond flick Goldeneye, and Xenia Onatopp’s thighs. Just think about what Chun-Li’s could do if she got pissed off.
Secondly, while her design may have changed from game to game, she really hasn’t. Nice top, cute face, and the two slabs of Stonehenge she walks on. And it’s the same way over and over. Maybe it’s just me, but after 21 years I’d like to see something a little more fresh, wouldn’t you?
Not that what we have is bad, per se…
Name: Jill Valentine
Profession: Law enforcement (explosives expert)
Series: Resident Evil
Hot chicks are hot. Hot chicks with guns are hotter. Hot chicks with guns who are “masters of unlocking,” well, there’s a winning combination.
A lot of people like to knock on Jill Valentine for being kind of plain. Plain works, because she’s hot and cute at the same time. Plus, as the series progresses, she kicks more and more ass, so the evolution from kind of whiny hot chick to don’t-mess-with-this-broad hot chick is a nice thing.
But sometimes evolution goes a little too far. In Resident Evil 5, everyone thought Jill was either a zombie or zombie food, but then she shows up – BAM – all dominatrix-like! Woah, creepy. Some of you may be into that whole whipping spanking thing, but I’ll pass on it. Hopefully in future iterations of the legit chronology she’ll go back to her usual self.
Name: The Dark Queen
Profession: Toad-hating Villain
In the Battletoads series, the hot chick waits for you at the end of the game, after insanely hard vehicle levels, getting knocked out by your partner, and vicious waves of baddies throughout Ragnarok’s World. Finally, there she stands. Long, leggy, wearing a sexy leather outfit and tossing her luscious raven black hair, smoother than the finest silk.
Then she tries to kill you.
In the 8-bit era, hot chicks were usually reduced to damsel-in-distress status, with an occasional break-out heroine. This beezy turns that all on its head, taunting the Battletoads in between stations, sending minions after you, and finally attempting to do the job herself. She tries to do this in Battletoads in Battlemaniacs and Battletoads and Double Dragon.
Oh well. We’re not toads, and sometimes you just need a bad b***h.
Name: Samus Aran
Profession: Bounty hunter
You finally did it. You explored the barren wasteland, fought off metroids, backtracked, splattered Kraid all over, backtracked, rid the world of Ridley (for now), backtracked, and blew the gray matter out of Mother Brain. You set the time bomb and got the heck out of Zebes. Give yourself a pat on the back, sir. You used your cunning, your determination and grit, and you –
Wait… there’s a chick under that helmet?
Like I said, chicks with guns…
The problem is by that point, you can’t enjoy the 8-bit estrogen-blast, because that’s the last scene of the game. So Samus kicks ass, and she’s kinda hot.
Enter Metroid: Zero Mission.
Granted, it’s just remake of the original Metroid, but it introduces us to Samus’s Zero Suit, the bodysuit she wears under her Chozo-created Power Suit.
Holy straining Spandex, Batman!
As the series has progressed, we’ve seen more and more of Samus in the Zero Suit, and the male race rejoices. But even then, a lot of her hotness revolves around her kick-ass toughness, really opening the door for many of the chicks on this list.
Sadly, Mother Brain did not make this list.
Profession: Musician (front-woman for Razor & The Scummettes)
Series: Maniac Mansion
Throwback? Yes, but worth it. This one’s for all you guys who like your girls kinda goth-y and inked up.
Maniac Mansion was released in 1987 for the Commodore 64, and ported to various systems, most notably the NES. There were four women in the whole game: Sandy Pantz, the cheerleader having her brains sucked out by the possessed Dr. Fred and his meteor; Nurse Edna, Dr. Fred’s decrepit, sex-starved wife; Wendy, the smart journalist with the matronly turtleneck; then there was Razor.
Razor is a punk rock chick, wearing a tight black dress, stilettos, and big red hair that put Blondie‘s Debbie Harry to shame. And the programmers made sure you knew she was hot, doing their damnedest with their graphical limitations to show you she had a rack. How hot is she? A disembodied tentacle grew a crush on her. If you have Razor in your party when you break into the lab, Green Tentacle stands up and fights back against Purple Tentacle in a moment of hormone (?)-induced bravery.
Hot, badass rocker chick? Why didn’t they bring her back instead of Bernard in Day of the Tentacle?
Name: Cate Archer
Profession: Covert operative for UNITY
Series: No One Lives Forever
Cate Archer is the hot babe most people don’t know about. Her introduction, the PC action/stealth superspy game The Operative: No One Lives Forever, was named “Game of the Year” by several outlets in the gaming press, including Computer Games Magazine, Computer Gaming World, and PC Gamer. It was re-released as a “Game of the Year” edition in 2001 with extra content, and ported to the PS2 in 2002. The PC and Mac versions sold well and garnered critical acclaim; the PS2 version flopped and was panned by critics. While the PS2 had cat-burglary levels unique to the platform, it lacked the PC version’s adaptive soundtrack, the Quicksave feature, and Multiplayer. A sequel was created, No One Lives Forever 2: A Spy In H.A.R.M.’s Way, but it was not ported to home consoles.
This is too bad, because look at this chick! Cate Archer is just as “Shagadelic” as any of Austin Powers’s chicks are. In fact, if you put Cate Archer up against Felicity Shagwell from the second movie, Austin wouldn’t have to have found his mojo… he could have regenerated new mojo. Oh, behave!
Hot chick, with guns, and cool-as-spit spy devices, and a very groovy mod feel… this is a franchise that deserves to be picked up by one of the major companies and revived.
Name: Celes Chere
Profession: Military (ranked general)
Series: Final Fantasy
Your flavor of Celes depends on what type of girls you like in real life. If you like skinny, pale chicks like one might find in a Twilight movie (or was that a guy?) then you’d like the “enhanced” version used in the remake versions of Final Fantasy VI (“III” in North America).
Me, I happen to like the version used on the SNES: healthy, curvy, and with sass. Though the first time we see General Celes she is chained to a wall for betraying the Empire, we later see her with strength, attitude, magic, loyalty, and opera skills.
Yes, in one of the most famous scenes in ’90s gaming, the tough, take-no-crap Celes drops the armor and white cloak for an opera dress and silk ribbon as she disguises herself as the famous opera singer Maria in order to trick the owner of the world’s only airship, Setzer Gabbiani. Though we all like bad chicks, it’s nice to see a rough-and-tumble girl take a feminine turn in a billowing opera gown, even though Celes herself might not have been too wild about it (“I’m a General, not some opera floozy!”).
After that scene, many prepubescent boys were disappointed to find out most famous opera divas have been… well… notably heavier than Celes.
Name: Tina Armstrong
Profession: Professional wrestler/model/celebrity
Series: Dead or Alive
… I don’t think I have to write anything here, do I?
Name: Aerith Gainsborough
Profession: Flower girl/Cetra
Series: Kingdom Hearts
“Hey now, Ryan! You wait one darn tootin’ minute!”
OK, I’m waiting.
“You said only one chick per game series! You just had Celes two spots back. You can’t use Aerith by your own guidelines!
You’re right, I did just use Celes Chere from Final Fantasy. And although Aerith is in the same series, she’s also (wait for it…) a critical figure in the Kingdom Hearts series.
But since you brought it up…
Aerith is hot for the exact opposite reasons that Celes is hot: she’s the good girl. The face of innocence. I mean, when you meet her in Final Fantasy VII, she’s a flower seller. A flower seller!! How many skanky chicks do you know that work selling flowers?? None, that’s how many.
Guys, let’s admit it. As much of a player you are (or think you are but you’re not), most of us want a pretty girl that you can wake up to every morning, see her beautiful face, and hope nighttime hurries up and gets here so you can fall asleep next to that face. Aerith is that girl.
Or, I should say, was that girl. Until Sephiroth killed her.
And she gave Donald and Goofy advice in Kingdom Hearts, which means she’s a Disney lover.
(Ok, that’s a stretch. Don’t judge.)
Profession: bakenako (“monster-cat”)
This was tough, because both Morrigan and Felicia are pretty bangin’. I could have pulled out the Capcom vs. Marvel thing and put both Darkstalkers in, but I figured I could only use that loophole once in this column. Despite Morrigan having legs that won’t quit and being a succubus which can only mean fun times (until you die), there’s something about a girl wearing cat ears and a tail, and pretty much nothing else.
Never mind the fact that she really is part-cat. The combination is still stinkin’ hot.
She’s a vicious fighter, using her feline agility and powerful claws to rip her foes into as many shreds as her outfit, but when she’s not fighting, she just longs to fit in with society, and act. Or dance. Or sing. Who cares, LOOK AT THAT!
The one and only downside to Felicia is that so many girls try to dress up as her for conventions, and so many girls fail. Just epic fail.
No. I mean, just… NO. Do Morrigan then. Or Q-Bee. Or… or… just do Razor! It’s a little black dress and heels. You can’t screw that up, can you?
Name: Peach Toadstool
Series: Super Mario Bros.
OK, there has to be a reason Mario goes after her every single time Bowser kidnaps her. I mean, if she wasn’t hot, wouldn’t you think Mario would be like, “Hey Luigi, isn’t it about time we start looking for that pipe back to the real world?”
Princess Toadstool (aka Peach) may have started very homely in her first appearance in the original Super Mario Bros. But since that appearance, she’s come into her own style. Since Super Mario Bros. 2 she’s favorited a regal pink gown, pink heels, and the crown jewels upon her long blonde hair. Beauty, charm, poise, Peach is the consummate lady in the world of video games.
Pretty and proper doesn’t mean she’s hot, you say? I agree. So I direct your attention to all the Mario Sports spinoffs, where she trades in her gown for short skirts in Mario Golf, even shorter shorts in Super Mario Strikers, and skin-tight dirt bike suits in Mario Kart Wii. Peach has legs that never end, and she’s not afraid to show them off. All you leg guys out there, Peach has got what you need. And on top of her beauty, poise, and body, she’s got a nice set of… um… mushrooms… to top it all off.
That, my friends, is why Mario always goes after his girl.
Can’t say that I blame him.