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access_time April 22, 2012 at 12:00 AM in Culture by Ramon Aranda

Digital Uppercuts: Boxing Video Game Pushovers

With loads of boxing action over the past few weeks, I’ve felt the need to get into some fisticuffs of my own – the digital kind of course.  That of course means I’ve checked out some boxing games from my collection which has reminded me that there are quite a few bums ones. Guys who’d fall on their faces at the simple sight of you lacing up your gloves. Let’s face it, these following guys are about as likely to beat you as you are of brushing off a Mike Tyson punch to the face…it won’t happen.

Needless to say, for your enjoyment (and mostly mine), here’s my list of the most pathetic pugs to ever grace a video game ring, in no particular order.

Glass Joe (1-99, 1 KO) – Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! [NES]: In the history of fighting games, I can’t think of a bigger bum than Glass Joe.  Sure his lone win came by knockout but it sure as hell wasn’t against me.  The first time I played Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, I’ll admit that it took me a round or so to figure out Joe.  I wasn’t sure if he was going to put a beating on me or not, but minutes into the fight, I realized he was there to get his ass kicked.  He’s what you’d call a jobber in wrestling.  “Watch the jaw!! Don’t hit my jaw” begged Joe.  Yeah, just for, POW, right in the kisser!

Ralph Mahler (22-22) – Riddick Bowe Boxing [SNES]: He may be one of the most unknown fighters on this list but let me assure you that Ralph Mahler sucked.  It didn’t really matter which kind of fighter you built up in the game, by the time you faced ol’ Mahler, you were ready to put on a severe beating.  Even lower ranked fighters put up a better fight than this guy.  He was easily in his 50s, had no punch and had the chin of a china plate.

Big Gip (0-20) – Super KO Boxing 2 [iPhone]: Big Gip is the first opponent you face in the mobile game that takes its queue from Punch-Out!!  He’s big, he’s fat and although his stomach would make King Hippo jealous, a punch to the bread basket still hurts him.  This hillbilly is so out of place being in the ring that he generally just sits there staring at you while occasionally throwing a punch.  Apparently he’d prefer to pose than to exchange leather and as soon as he hits the canvas, he’ll decide to sit there to avoid further embarrassment.

Henry Cooper (40-14-1, 27 KOs) – Foes of Ali [3DO]: Henry Cooper was kind of a tough choice to put on this list.  Cooper does have some heart but he cuts and bleeds more easily than Abdullah the Butcher.  The guy is a human punching bag and though he does his damnest to stay on his feet, prefers to eat punches like they were Cracker Jacks.

Rookie 5 – Ring King [NES]: Here’s a guy who’s so crappy that he barely bothers to attack.  In fact, he’d rather be involved in other activities.  Gives new meaning to “body blow” doesn’t it?

Don Flamenco (22-3, 9 KOs) – Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! [NES]: The first time you face Don, he spends most of his time talking about his hair and about how lovely he looks.  Punch him in the face and he’ll crumble like a bitch.  It’s not the same story the second time around but a left-right-left-right…. combo during your first showdown highlights how pathetic he is.  Go back to dancing and flirting sissy boy.

Barney – Celebrity Boxing [PC]: I don’t know how many of you remember Celebrity Boxing in the late 90s.  It was a browser-based game where you kicked the crap out of celebrities.  The worst offender and most popular fighter was Barney.  Why you ask?  Cause he sucked and everyone enjoyed beating the living sh*t out of him.  He rarely threw a punch, told you how much he liked you and then smiled while you kicked his teeth in.  Purple bastard!

Gabby Jay (1-99) – Super Punch-Out!! [SNES]: If anyone on this list gives Glass Joe a run for his money, it’s Gabby Jay.  I gotta give it to him, though he at least eggs you on to throw a punch and will actually try to counter you.  But let’s be realistic…dude has one win and is probably older than Ralph Mahler.  He doesn’t put up much of a fight and is more bark than bite.  Did I mention he’s probably in his 60s?  If you find yourself on the losing end to Gabby Jay, just stop playing video games.

I’m sure I’ve left out some guys, so feel free to shoot drop me a note below and tell me who else you think is a pansy.


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