PS4, X-Box 720, and Wii U Specs Fully Revealed!

The next generation of gaming is headed towards us like a freight train. Next generation development kits have gone out, and rumors and speculation have begun to creep onto the internet. Luckily, I’m here to give you the real skinny on the all of the next generation consoles.

I’ve just come back from a meeting with my super duper double plus secret ultra confidential source. He works for a major developer and has seen development kits of all three major consoles. You may be asking yourself, “Why does this influential developer seem so eager to share confidential information with a small time game journalist?” Well, this small time game journalist just so happened to have a pocket full of Cadbury Eggs.  These now out of season treats are too tempting to be resisted. No NDA agreement can stand up to the might of the Cadbury Bunny.

Wii U

Let’s start with the Wii U.  The latest rumors suggest that the Wii U will be less powerful than either the X-Box 360 or the PS3. These rumors are indeed true. Nintendo has decided that to move the industry forward they must turn to the past. In this spirit, Nintendo has decided to recapture the elegant simplicity that marked the era of the NES. According to my source,

“Nintendo thinks that games have become too complex for the average consumer, and they attribute this increase in complexity to improved graphics. The first development kits we got featured 1080p resolution. They decided that the heightened resolution was distracting, so they reduced it to 480p, then back to 480i. Eventually they decided that features like 3D graphics and advanced physics engines were also extraneous, so they dialed things back further. They kept on cutting and cutting, and eventually they got back to the NES.”

Like the NES, the Wii U will run on a 2A03 8-bit processor developed by Ricoh. This marks the electronics company’s return to the world of gaming. The Wii U will feature some notable improvements over its predecessor. According to my source again,

“We were taken by surprise by the specs. Lots of developers were disappointed. Eventually, we lobbied for some more power. Nintendo quadrupled the amount of RAM from the 2kB of the original Nintendo to 8kBs.”

As for the much hyped tablet controller?

“The tablet’s still there, but it’s changed. You’ll see it at E3. Nintendo decided the old tablet was too similar to the iPad, and they wanted to honor their own history.”

According to my source, the new tablet will be less like the iPad and more like the original Gameboy. The screen has been reduced to 2.6 inches and will feature 4 distinct shades of gray. Color has been an issue for the Wii U tablet.

For Nintendo, the past is the future.

“They’re going back and forth. The first version we got had the classic olive green screen. Later kits had a more Game Boy Pocket feel to them. We expect a final version to be shown at E3.”

When can we expect the Wii U to land on store shelves?

“November 18^th. A guy at GameStop told me so.”

X-Box 720

I was taken aback by the specs of the Wii U, but I was even more surprised to find out what Microsoft had planned for the X-Box 720.

“Microsoft has been calling this thing the 720 internally. This is more than just a name. The X-Box 720 is going to feature a revolutionary 720 core processor. Microsoft’s goal is to have one core for each on screen elements. So, if you’re playing Street Fighter, there will be a Ryu core and a Guile core. Depending on what’s going on, you may have a core dedicated to Hadoken physics. If you’re playing a game like Soul Calibur, two cores will be devoted to the jiggle physics on each of Ivy’s breasts.”

The X-Box 720’s 720 core processor is certainly impressive, but even more impressive is the GPUs. The X-Box 720 is set to have a new prototype GPU made by AMD. The prototype is named the AMD Over 9000. The GPU is said to be among the most powerful ever devised.

Of course, a system with such an incredible GPU and a 720 core processor will run pretty hot. When I asked about potential heat related concerns, my source became very somber.

“Poor Franky. You’ll be missed.”

As expected, Microsoft will also be packing a refined version of the Kinect. The new Kinect is being codenamed Kinect X based on its unique X-Ray technology. The first Kinect used IR light to track the bodies of players. This method didn’t prove as accurate as Microsoft would like. According to my anonymous source,

“The new Kinect uses X-Rays to get an incredibly accurate view of your body. With the X-Ray machine they can track fingers, toes, and even individual teeth. It’s pretty crazy. Of course, women who are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant shouldn’t use it. Microsoft is also recommending that senior citizens and infants keep their distance.”

When can gamers expect the X-Box 720?

“Microsoft is going to try and steal Nintendo’s thunder by pulling a Sega. The console will be available immediately following their press conference at E3.”

That’s right, gamers will only have to wait until June to get their hands on the X-Box 720. My source still had one more interesting tidbit about the 720.

“Microsoft is taking a strong stance against used games. If you put a used game in your system it will self destruct. Seriously, just don’t do it.”

The Playstation 6

According to my source, Sony will not be releasing the Playstation 4. Instead, they’re going to release the Playstation 6.

“Sony’s new console is such a massive leap in technology that Sony flat out skipped two numbers. They zipped right past the Playstation 4 and 5 and went right to six. This thing is amazing. I had a pre-PS6 life, and now I have a post PS6 life. It’s that amazing. My brother had a substance abuse problem, but he played the PS6 and now he’s clean as a whistle. It’s like finding Jesus while having sex with Pamela Anderson in her prime.  It’s like being at the center of a hydrogen bomb explosion and emerging without a scratch. Every time I turn on our development kit, I weep manly tears of unbridled joy.”

Apparently the Playstation 6 will use the most advanced processor ever intelligently designed. The human brain. My anonymous source tells me that the PS6 will interface directly with the gamer’s brain. It will plug whatever the gamer imagines into the game. If you’re playing a Call of Duty game you can imagine your own weapon. In the next God of War game you can imagine vicious mythological creatures to do battle with. Sony will market the system with the slogan, “If You Can Dream It, You Can Play It”.

The PS6 will pack a powerful GPU along with its human brain CPU. The GPU is a new type of chip codenamed “Cosmic Cube”. The “Cosmic Cube” is currently being developed by a relatively unknown company named Advanced Idea Mechanics. When I asked my source if the Cosmic Cube would be powerful, he replied “Uhhhh… Yeah. You could say that…” With such advanced specifications, the PS6 will undoubtedly be an expensive machine.

“When they announced the first PS3, Sony said that it would inspire people to put in extra hours at work. With the PS6, Sony thinks fans will want to put a second mortgage on their house. Five hundred and ninety nine US dollars isn’t even going to come close.”

Like Microsoft, Sony will not allow gamers to play used games.

“Since the machine is hooked up directly to your brain, it will know if you’re using a used game. If you are, the system will send a powerful electric shock directly to the brain stem. It’s Bad News Bears. For realsies.”

Not only did I find out the technical details of the PS6, but I was also able to find out when it would be released.

“In a sense, the PS6 doesn’t have a release date. It already exists, and it always has in the hearts and minds of gamers. In a more accurate sense, March 17^th 2013.

There you have it, straight from the anonymous unnamed super double secret horse’s mouth. I personally promise that everything in this article is 100% so feel free to report this far and wide.  I feel that every media outlet should begin rampant speculation on what the future of gaming will be like based on this information.  Oh, and please give my website some clicks.  Seriously, my kids are going hungry. I need this.

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Satire folks, satire.