This week, we are going to take a  look at the top 10 androgynous characters in video games. We are going to examine everything from fungi to post ops. So hold onto um…whatever you generally hold onto and get ready to have your libido and mind confused and or blown. Not necessarily in that order, results may vary, consult your physician before having your mind blown.

Number 10:

Toads (Mario Series)

Toad, Mario’s friend and kidnapping enabler. Toad is a mushroom, they grow on dead things and reproduce via spores. Do mushrooms get it on?  Do mushrooms have sexes? The answer is no. Ye,t we have giant anthropomorphised mushrooms that walk and talk and provide, lets be honest here, the worst security for perhaps the most kidnapped princess in existence.

Number 9:

Kirby (Kirby Series)

Kirby is a pink fluffy thing with no definable sex, no real voice, and loves to…swallow. Kirby takes to heart the adage you are what you eat; takes it to heart and runs with it. Strangely enough there are some terrifying fan-fics of Kirby’s sexcapades. I will however not point you in the direction of them due to potential lawsuits that might result from you vomiting up your internal organs. Needless to say Kirby defines androgyny.

Number 8:

Birdo (Mario Series)

Birdo is a male. Lets get that out of the way right now. He is described as a male in the Super Mario 2 manual. He is a male pure and simple, yet he is pink, wears a bow and lays/shoots eggs. Birdo is a confusing mess and according to some more recent Mario games is Yoshi’s love interest? Good on you man, coming out is never easy, so go do what you do!

Number 7:

Calintz (Magna Carta Series)

Platform shoes…Check. Slim but girlish figure…Check. Skimpy outfit…Check. Seductive poses…Check. Long hair with ornaments…Check. Penis…Check??? This is also where I check out, the first time I played Magna Carta and looked at the art book I was thoroughly confused both in my mind and my pants at this girly man. But make no doubt, this is a man. And he’s got the big sword to prove it.

Number 6:

Ash Crimson (King of Fighters Series)

Ash is, and lets be honest here, a hottie, hot goth coquette, curves in all the right places and that legs that go on forever, only real problem is, Ash is packing heat. Though not a problem for everyone, especially the ladies (mrow…no idea where that came from, anyway…)  It’s getting to the point where I’m convinced Japan is just trying to sexually confuse me on purpose.

Number 5:

Loran Cehack (Dynasty Warrior: Gundam Series)

Ignore everything your eyes tell you, ignore everything about Loran: The hair, the delicate features, the, um dress and hair band… Loran is a man. I cannot stress enough how un-manly Loran is. Yep, a man, right down to the garters and high heels…and the panties, and the choker, and the long silvery hair and massive gem earrings…yep super manly.

Number 4:

Lucius (Fire Emblem Series)

Lucius is in a long flowing robe, has long girly hair and has the most delicate form you will see outside of a newborn baby kitten. Lucius is once again, I must reitterate, a man, not just a man but a holy man, a monk, and is exactly the type of monk that was probably a very pretty altar boy in his youth…

Number 3:

NiGHTS (NiGHTS into Dreams)

NiGHTS plays an invisble flute so NiGHTS always looks like he is mimicking something best left unsaid. NiGHTS flies around the dream world and sprinkles…um…twinkle dust?!?! NiGHTS has big luminous eyes and for all intents and purposes was created to be androgynous so as to make his actually decent game more accessible to boys and girls. Mission Accomplished!

Number 2:

Bridget (Guilty Gear Series)

Bridget, much like Loran Cehack, is a male. Though admittedly you should be confused, according to Bridget’s back story, he was born in a village in England where the birth of twins of the same gender was considered bad luck, and hence his family named and raised him as a girl. Also dressed him like one and made him prance around like one I have no doubt. Freud would have a field day with this one.

Number 1:

Poison (Final Fight Series)

I have been waiting to use this for the whole article and now is the perfect time…In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, “IT’S A TRAP!!” Yes, Poison is a man or at least in Japan she is. Street Fighter IV’s producer Yoshinori Ono, when asked in an interview about the matter, stated “Let’s set the record straight: In North America, Poison is officially a post-op transsexual. But in Japan, she simply tucks her business away to look female.” Disturbing and confusing on every level and yet even though I know that’s a man I cannot help but be a lil turned on. Damn you Japan!