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access_time October 24, 2011 at 9:18 AM in Culture by Andrew Kent

Burning Embers: Next Gen Consoles Rant (Again)

So here we are again. It’s always such a pleasure. Remember when you talked about next gen consoles? Oh how we cheered and cheered. Except I wasn’t cheering. Under the circumstances, I’ve been shockingly nice. You want to rabble rouse. Stop talking about next gen consoles. I want to use my 360. For the next five or so years.

Anyways, singing solos aside, I really am a bit miffed at all of the XBOX 720 and PS4 rumors rolling around about how the two consoles will be coming out in a few years. Blech. Seriously? I finally get a 360 and it’s going to be outdated in a few years? Geeze. Instead of complaining, I’m going to make a list of what I think the next generation consoles need.

Robotic Arm(s): Isn’t this obvious? With all the advancements in robotic technology Sony and Microsoft could easily implement one into their next generation console. Microsoft’s robotic arm may be lacking in the usefulness department so I won’t set my expectations too high. Sony on the other hand will deliver. I expect a food service, A.I. capabilities so that I can have a second player without the annoyance of friends who scream BOOYAH, and it should jerk you off. Yep.

Console Computer: Instead of just being a lame console that can’t do much, why  not give the console some computer features? I’m talking internet browser, word processor, and MP3 sync software (including iTunes capabilities). Now, the big M and S can’t make the consoles TOO much into computers or else they will be computers instead of consoles. So let’s keep it to a happy minimum, mkay?

Refrigerator: You know how  much of a hassle it is to get up during a gaming marathon, pause the game, go to the fridge, and bring back your favorite snacks? Well instead of having to put yourself through all of that painstaking menial labor, the next gen consoles should double as a fridge. That’s right, a fridge. It can’t be too big or else the whole console would cost as much as a fridge. A small sized fridge should do fine, just enough to fit a few sammiches and drinks in there.

Transformer: Now, I don’t know how gaming companies are going to pull this off but I’m sure Sony should be able to if they put enough brain power into it. I want the next gen consoles to be able to transform into like a moped or something like that. That way I can use it to go out and search for a job AND play video games at the same time. (Disclaimer: Driving and playing video games at the same time is NOT a good idea.)

Portability: Now, I’m not saying the whole console should be portable, I just want a portion of it that is. Next gen consoles should have a detachable portable gaming console that should be no bigger than the PS Vita. Microsoft has yet to bring a portable gaming system to the table so this will be a challenge for them. Sony on the other hand should have no problem with this and I expect small robotic arms on Sony’s portable device as well. Mainly for on the road “relief”.

Well, that’s it for my list of things the next gen consoles should have. Tune in next week as I go over horror genre games of the SNES and possibly NES eras for my Halloween Extravaganza edition of Burning Embers.

Every Monday Ember crawls from his cave to come and deliver his opinion to you the readers. His grumpy Monday attitude fuels the fire that burns onto the screen to form the weekly article: Burning Embers.



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