Top X List: A Night at the GotGame MultiPlex
Summer blockbuster season is upon us, so it’s no wonder when we’re not thinking about video games here at GotGame, we’re thinking about movies. Whether you wait in line for hours for the midnight showing or wait for a few weeks for the films at your local cheapie theatre, everyone loves a good night at the movies. Granted, the price of a ticket plus the trip to the concession stand can have you running to your bank for a personal loan, but the bliss of two hours worth of laughter, tension, or just plain good feeling always makes it seem worth it.
With the news that Hollywood is finally taking a serious look at making a movie out of Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? the natural predilection is to see what other video game titles or series could provide fodder for the silver screen’s next big hit. However, this topic has provided gamers with pain and suffering more often than not. Sometimes you knock it out of the park, like Tomb Raider, and sometimes you get a film full of festering crap, like Mortal Kombat.
Despite the torturous titles, we believe that there are good games out there that could make good films, and this is why we present the latest edition of the Top X List, where this time x = “14 Video Game Titles That Should Be Turned Into Feature Films That Don’t Suck.”
There were a few rules to this list:
- We’re aiming to keep it live-action. That, of course, doesn’t mean that gratuitous special effects and CGI can’t be used. It wouldn’t be a summer blockbuster without them.
- If it’s already a movie, it’s not on this list. That’s good for some titles, but movies like Super Mario Bros. & Street Fighter… sorry, but they’re still going to suck.
- If it’s in production, and there are major names attached to the project, that’s a good sign the project will be green-lit and come to be. If it’s “in production” but floundering without anything attached, that’s when it had a shot to be on the list. So if you don’t see American McGee’s Alice on here, that’s because despite troubles, Sarah Michelle Geller is still attached to the project and void from this list. That being said, make the damn movie! I can’t wait too much longer.
Now that the rules are set in place, in no particular order, let’s see what’s playing at the GotGame MultiPlex tonight.
Theatre 1 – Bully
11:30 am 12:20 pm 1:55 pm 2:50 pm 4:20 pm 5:15 pm 7:40 pm 10:10 pm
Jimmy Hopkins is what the system calls a “juvenile delinquent.” But his delinquency is anything but juvenile. After being booted from two other public schools, he crosses the boundary when discovering the science stockroom contains nitrate and glycerin. When the Rancho San Andreas school district recommends counseling, Jimmy’s drug-addict mother and fourth step-father, also a major drug kingpin of the West Coast, decides instead of dealing with the problem, the best option is to ship him off to the East Coast, dropping him in the very-expensive Bullworth Academy boarding school. A coming-of-age story set to prove that it’s not always the juveniles that are delinquent, and that while good is good, a little bad is sometimes better.
Theatre 2 – Castlevania
11:00 am 1:30 pm 4:00 pm 6:40 pm 9:20 pm
The year is 1901, and rumors abound as victims begin surfacing in the town of Transylvania, dead and drained of blood. Is it possible that the Legend of the mighty Vampire Dracula is real? Town leader Trevor Belmont thinks it is not, even though the Belmont name has been tied to the legend as Dracula’s vanquisher as long as the legend has been passed down. As the townspeople pressure Belmont, he eventually agrees to check out the long-abandoned Castlevania… but never returns. It falls on the shoulders of 21-year-old Simon Belmont to investigate his father’s disappearance inside Castlevania. Simon learns that not only is the curse real, but Dracula has a special thirst for Belmont blood. With the help of the ghost of one of Dracula’s victims, a white witch masquerading in the Church, and Dracula’s son himself, Simon must also find out if the Belmont name truly belongs in the legend with the bloodthirsty embodiment of evil.
Based on Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse. A Castlevania movie would probably take some heavy liberties with the canonical series timeline, but that’s to be expected, as even the most hardcore series fan barely knows the timeline as it is.
Theatre 3 – Contra
12:00 pm 3:40 pm 7:00 pm 10:10 pm
A terrorist unit based in the rainforests of Brazil known as “Red Falcon” have been committing violent acts throughout the world in rapid succession, and the US is sending in their toughest commandos: Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer and Lance “Scorpion” Bean. But is “Red Falcon” a terrorist unit as we know it, or something beyond our knowledge?
Might sound very Predator-ish but that movie was a hit too.
Theatre 4 – Dead Island
4:20 pm 7:40 pm 10:10 pm
It was supposed to be the vacation of a lifetime for Pearl Ackerson. An all-expense paid trip to Phuket in Thailand. After the abysmal year she’s had; being fired, publicly shamed, and unable to get work again in law enforcement, she’s been reduced to being VIP eye candy and undercover bodyguard for some of the biggest sh*theads in Hollywood. Being “Caller Number 9” on WILD 93.1 was the best thing to happen to her all year. Tropical island, VIP tickets to a muay thai championship, followed by a Sam B. concert, and meeting Logan Carter, one of her favorite football players of all time despite how the media exploited his past.
What she didn’t know is she was solidly in the middle of Ground Zero for the unleashing of hell on earth. Now the disgraced cop, the one-hit wonder, and the football has-been, along with a spy that has been masquerading as a front desk clerk and other survivors of the attack must find a way off Dead Island if they want to live. But as tensions run high, the question is: who will destroy them first, the living dead… or the living?
Starring Rosario Dawson as Pearl (based on in-game character Purna) and 50 Cent as Sam B.
Theatre 5 – Donkey Kong
2:20 pm 4:55 pm 7:30 pm 10:00 pm
Born into captivity, the gorilla king has always lived a comfortable life at the Bronx Zoo. He was loved for and cared for by the best staff team at the zoo, led by primatology expert Dr. Pauline Perrille. Lush jungle climate in his exhibit, tires and faux vines, and bananas as far as the eye could see. Donkey Kong was the star of the zoo.
But there was something more out there. DK knew it. He could feel it. And that’s why, on his 21st birthday, Donkey Kong made a break for it. And when Dr. Perrille found his hiding spot, it confirmed something else his simian heart believed to be true: Donkey Kong and Pauline were meant to be.
Now Kong is on the lam in New York City, with Pauline in tow, and Pauline’s construction worker boyfriend after them. But is Donkey Kong a threat, or a gorilla with a dream?
Starring Kristen Wiig as Pauline.
Theatre 6 – The Final Fantasy: Nothing Is Absolute
11:30 am 2:30 pm 6:00 pm 9:00 pm
Terra Branford remembers nothing of her life up until about ten minutes ago, when “Treasure Hunter” Locke Cole rescued her from a snowy cavern. How she got there, or anything beyond that, is blank.
What everyone else seems to know, though, is she could be the key to saving the world. With a militant Empire threatening to unify the world under one dark regime, and leaders hell-bent on world domination, Terra could be the secret to overthrowing Emperor Gestahl, his criminally-psychotic right-hand man Kefka, and bring peace back to the world. But even in peace, nothing is absolute.
Based on Final Fantasy VI (III in North America) and featuring Jake Gyllenhal as Locke Cole, Nicole Kidman as general Celes Chere, and Jim Carrey as the wicked Kefka.
Theatre 7 – Liberty City
11:00 am 12:00 pm 2:00 pm 2:45 pm 3:15 pm 5:10 pm 6:30 pm 8:15 pm 9:45 pm 10:20 pm
Niko Bellic fled his home to pursue the American Dream. However, in the seedy underworld of Liberty City, Bellic learns that the Land of the Free comes at a serious price. The crosses, double-crosses, and betrayals chase Bellic as he himself pursues the man who betrayed him in his home country, costing the lives of 15 men in a homeland war. A multi-threaded plot and ensemble cast akin to 2000 Best Picture Oscar nominee Traffic, starring Tomasz Adamek as Niko Bellic and Emma Watson as Kate McReary. Based on Grand Theft Auto IV.
Theatre 8 – The Legend of Zelda
11:30 am 4:55 pm 7:00 pm
Mysterious disappearances have increased in the land of Hyrule. Young maidens are being led to Hyrule Castle and never heard from again. The King of Hyrule has issued several statements saying that the Royal Force of Hyrule are investigating to the fullest, but as of yet nothing has turned up. When the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, turns up abducted, the General of the Royal Force is summoned immediately on a dark and stormy night. Trapped, Zelda uses telepathy common to women of the royal lineage to summon the one true Hero who can save the world: the General’s nephew, Link.
Now Link must brave a journey into the dark parallel universe of Hyrule to free the Maidens of the Descendants as well as Zelda herself, and find the wizard Agahnim and his master, the evil wizard Ganon. Starring Kiera Knightly as Princess Zelda. Based on The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.
Theatre 9 – Maniac Mansion
11:20 am 2:15 pm 5:00 pm 7:45 pm 10:30 pm
Dave Smith’s girlfriend Sandy is missing! And despite what everyone thinks, Sandy has not recently dumped Dave, so something else must be up. According to inquisitive but homely Wendy V. Warshawski, Sandy was investigating the old, abandoned mansion for the junior college’s newspaper and why lights still appear but no one has been seen up there since the meteor crash twenty years ago today…
Now it’s up to Dave, Wendy, and their team of vigilantes (mostly against their will but they owed favors to Dave) to find out what happened to Sandy, while trying not to be tuna-heads!
Featuring Owen Wilson as sun-and-weed-baked surfer dude Jeff, Jim Parsons as nerdy Bernard, Cloris Leachman as creepy matriarch Nurse Edna, and rock star Pink as Razor.
Theatre 10 – Metroid
11:20 am 2:00 pm 4:45 pm 7:30 pm 9:30 pm 10:30 pm
It is the year 2486. Space Pirates have attacked neutral Galactic Federation-sponsored Scientific Station Ymoto. Most of the crew lie dead at the hands of the Pirates, but unlike other attacks, where Pirates steal currency, gold, food, and slaves, all of that was left untouched. Their target: the metroid. Researchers have discovered that amongst all life forms, the metroid’s genetic code is extremely malleable, and can be re-shaped with small pulsations of beta ray. The Space Pirates may not know science, but they do know that by blasting their insides with beta rays, the metroids can become a massive swarm of living bioweaponry.
Unable to breech their defenses on Zebes, they are forced to turn to bounty hunter Samus Aran, who not only maintains financial interest in the job, but revenge: Samus’s brother, Elvay Aran, was one of those who died on Scientific Station Ymoto.
As Samus searches the barren planet, fighting the mutated metroid and other perverse alien creatures, Samus discovers that the Pirates may have another leader behind the operation, code named “Mother Brain.”
Starring Anne Hathaway as Samus.
Theatre 11 – Paperboy
11:10 am 2:10 pm 4:55 pm 7:50 pm 10:30 pm
An innocent paper route turns into a route for murder when Billy, a local paperboy accidentally throws a paper through a subscriber’s window instead of their front porch as they dodged an uncovered manhole. The window crash didn’t cover up the sound of the gunshot from inside, and before Billy knew it, a man comes out of the house wearing a clown mask firing at him. Now, the boy who delivered the paper is making the paper’s headlines, and he’s convinced that Bozo the clown is after him. Everyone else thinks he’s over-reacting… except for the guy behind the clown mask.
Theatre 12 – Portal
11:15 am 1:50 pm 4:25 pm 7:00 pm 9:40 pm
Chell is an orphan, and abandoned to die, until a kind soul find her asleep and carries her to a local orphanage. No good deed goes unpunished though, and Chell is secretly sold to Aperture Sciences for testing. Chell, unbeknownst to her, is put to cryogenic sleep.
Reawakened in 2012, Chell is given a few weeks to become reaccustomed to her now mid-twenties body, to enjoy food and drink, and begin physical dexterity exercises, though nothing that has happened prior is revealed to her. One day, when her preparer, a robot named P-Body, does not arrive to lead her to the dexterity room, a voice calling herself GLaDOS announces that she will be a “worthy participant” for research exercises involving the Aperture Sciences Handheld Portal Device, able to create inter-spatial portals between distances. But not all as is innocent as it seems, as GLaDOS is more malevolent than she seems, as tests become more and more dangerous. Chell must stop the computer running the trials at all costs, even if she doesn’t get the cake.
Based primarily on events from Portal II. Starring Emma Stone as Chell and Christine Baranski as the voice of GLaDOS.
Theatre 13 – Punch-Out!!
11:10 am 1:50 pm 4:20 pm 6:50 pm
Boxing’s many stories often come from poverty, need, crime, and the downtrodden. But Little Mac’s was different. Mac (short for “MacArthur”) is an Italian-American kid. His parents both have jobs and live on the Upper East Side. His father is a successful Broadway producer, and his mother, who admittedly “married up” leads a comfortable life as a housewife, making side money selling cosmetics. But when Mac’s fraternal twin dies in a freak accident on a Junior Environmentalists safari on the Serengeti, Mac finds a void in his heart unable to be filled.
It is at a friend’s house he discovers his love and natural talent for boxing when friends put on gloves and backyard boxing. Mac quickly plows through the “tournament ranks” and relishes the rush of hitting and being hit. Scavenging books, films, anything he can find, Mac knows he must box to really find himself.
However, being the mostly-white son of affluent parents makes it difficult as few take him seriously, or see him as a mark to rip him off. Seeing him sink further into depression, Mac’s female friend, nicknamed Kitty Kat, introduces him to her older brother, a pro boxer nicknamed The Cat, who begins showing Mac the basics at his Bronx home. When Mac’s parents find out, they forbid him from seeing Cat or Kitty Kat.
Mac then leaves home, packing only some clothes, some boxing trunks Cat gave him, and a weary pair of boxing gloves, and shows up at Cat’s gym. Cat becomes irate when he appears at the gym, not wanting to cause more drama, but Mac insists he wants to box. Cat then challenges Mac to box right then and there, figuring he would back down to a pro. Mac accepts, and though obviously overwhelmed, Mac refuses to back down or give up, catching the eye of Doc Lewis. The film follows Little Mac, Doc Lewis and The Cat as they devise a plan to train Mac into someone who would eventually be champion.
Based on the premise of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! With liberties taken. Starring Paulie Malignaggi as Little Mac, Cedric the Entertainer as Doc Lewis, and Francisco Figueroa Jr. as The Cat, with Mike Tyson making a cameo.
Theatre 14 – Zombies Ate My Neighbors
11:45 am 2:15 pm 5:00 pm 7:45 pm 10:30 pm
Zeke works at Horror House, one of the last video stores open in Townsville. It specializes in cult classics and hard-to-find horror flicks, so needless to say when Zeke sees a girl in the store, she generally looks like Witch Hazel and twice as hefty. So when the gorgeous Julie walks in asking to hang fliers for a charity monster movie marathon on Halloween, Zeke immediately says yes, babbling about the different monster movies he’s grown up on… and forgetting to ask her out after the final movie.
But as the clock strikes midnight on All Hallow’s Eve, the power goes out, and when they come back, Townsville is being overrun by zombies, werewolves, and more ghostly ghouls, including a giant baby that looks curiously like Mrs. Nathaniel’s grandson…
Can Zeke and Julie prevent zombies from eating the neighborhood before Halloween is over, or will the city be lost to the supernatural… forever?
Starring Aaron Johnson as Zeke and Amanda Peet as Julie.