In the video game industry, the fans are bombarded by two separate yet equally important groups: Saints, who bring with them only the purest form of joy, and Sinners, beings dedicated solely to evoking misery. These are their stories.
My name is Drew Robbins and, for this week only, I’m not mad; I’m furious. I’ve heard no shortage of complaints about Mass Effect 3 and its woeful conclusion, but, until this week, I had never experienced it for myself. No, I’m not even talking about the same game; I’m talking about its predecessor, Mass Effect 2. Two nights ago, as I sat in protest of my body’s want and need for rest, I watched in horror as everything I had worked so hard to build up was shattered into several pieces, lit on fire, and then dumped into an ocean where it was devoured by what I can only presume to be Jaws incarnate. In the interest of abstaining from spoilers for slowpokes such as myself, I won’t reveal the full details of what went down. I will, however, say this one thing: retake Mass Effect 2!
Sony: For the first time in my tenure at Got Game, I’m going to break my creed. No, I’m not referring to my copy of Assassin’s Creed II, which is one of if not the absolute best sequel of the generation, but instead I’m referencing my creed of denying any publisher support for outwardly aping, manipulating, and rehashing ideas put out originally by their peers. Sony, I want you to ape, manipulate, and rehash the heck out of Super Smash Bros.
It would be entirely appropriate and equally revolting to say that I lost my gaming virginity to Super Smash Bros.; though I had partaken in the activity beforehand, it wasn’t until I had felt the full satisfaction of performing a German suplex on a Pikachu that I fully came to appreciate the medium and the magic it was so capable of creating. Sony, while responsible for many of the titles that I cling to on a regular basis, has never been able to instill within me that same sense of joy, excitement, and outward aggression at an electrically-hazardous mouse. Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale could very well be the game that does just that.
In all honesty, I don’t want a game that is radically different from Super Smash Bros.; I want a verbatim copy with Sony’s mascots tacked on for good measure. This is the one and only time that I will ever make such a request, Sony, so it would be a mistake not to capitalize on the opportunity. After all, aren’t you looking to strengthen your ties with the loves-everything-you-do-but-doesn’t-own-a-PS3 demographic that I’m an esteemed member of?
UPDATE: BOOM! It happened, and it happened with the confirmation of both Sly Cooper and Parapa the Rapper! I’m already throwing money at my screen! Now, if only I had a Playstation 3…
Nintendo: What has gotten into Nintendo lately, anyhow? I feel like every day for the past few weeks I’ve been treated to some fresh dose of news about how they’re making games that I have been adamantly demanding since my days throwing tantrums on the community forums. First, it was Pikmin 3. Shortly afterwards, it was Pikmin 2 for the Wii with optimized controls. You might be surprised to learn that the third and main reason that they’ve found their way into my good graces has little to do with Pikmin. Instead, my content nature extends almost entirely from the fact that they added folders to the 3DS home menu.
Thank all that is good and holy. This is, more than anything else, the main reason that I’ve had difficulty developing a fondness for the Nintendo 3DS. The index so prominently featured on the 3DS is an aesthetic nightmare weighed down with every application, menu, and virtual console title ever downloaded to the device. I’ve tried on many occasions to see if I could discover an obscure method in which I might be able to forego this tedious consumption of my lower screen with no success. Now, success is as easy as simply tapping the button to create a folder and then piling the entire home screen into its sturdy confines.
There once was a seemingly insurmountable mess on the home screen of my Nintendo 3DS, but now there is no more than a collection of five icons that each take you to a meticulously organized directory. Thank you, Nintendo, for indulging in my most anal-retentive characteristic.
DOUBLE UPDATE: In my hours of exhaustion, I stumbled upon an article indicating that Nintendo was going to be implementing a digital distribution model for major retail titles at launch for the Wii U. At the time, I was almost certain that I had given in to sleep’s irresistible temptation. Alas, it is true. The 3DS will be joining in on the fun this August when New Super Mario Bros. 2 is released simultaneously online and at retail. Did somebody kidnap the Nintendo that I know and love and replace them with a Nintendo that I don’t know but love even more?
Capcom: Speaking of creeds, Capcom has violated yet another of the most respected laws of the land: never, and I mean never, port a fighting game to iOS devices. It was bad enough when they ported Super Street Fighter IV to the iPhone, but there exists no hell severe enough to punish them for bringing Marvel vs. Capcom 2 to the entire line of Apple devices.
As I’ve specified, fighting games have no business being on a smart phone in the first place. It is even worse, though, when the fighting game in question is one known for an amount of utter chaos that no mere mortal has been known to control. Placing a virtual control pad on top of the Marvel vs. Capcom 2 interface is the equivalent of super gluing a Rubix Cube into place: it’s not going to work no matter how many times you try. I won’t even deign to pay Capcom the $2.99 for this slipshod effort because I know that, without even laying my fingers on the glossy touch screen of an Apple product, within moments of starting I will be filled with an unavoidable desire to set fire to my entire collection of Spider-Man movies, a treasure trove that approximates to exactly one entry.
I cannot afford to lose Spider-Man 2 over a bad, terrible, and down-right awful port like this.
Runic Games: Just now, in the year 2012, I’m setting foot into the wonderful world presented by the original Torchlight. It is a game about which I can say nothing bad, but it is a game about which I can say nothing of even questionable import; at this point, the title is old news, and all that anyone wants to see is Torchlight II. Alas, the wait for the sequel is one that is growing in its anxiety at an alarming rate.
Yesterday, Runic Games opened up a host of pre-sale options for Torchlight II but it did so without any public acknowledgement of an official release date. All that this means is that there now exists a game on Steam, available at the meager price of $20, that, when you purchase it, you will not receive a game; this happens all of the time, but typically one does so with full knowledge of when they will be receiving said game, a common courtesy that it can be said Runic has tragically overlooked.
It’s hard for me to be mad at Runic when I love the original Torchlight so much, but, in the anticipation for the sequel, I feel as if I’m being jerked around like a nerdy teenager eagerly looking for a date to the prom. I know that feeling because I lived that feeling, and I don’t plan on living it out again at this point in my life. Runic, cut the foreplay already and deliver the goods; we want Torchlight II, and we want to know when we no longer have to want Torchlight II and can instead play Torchlight II!
Judgement has been passed